Thia man is sooooooooooooooooooo HOT!!
You have to admit,he does look good for being 40.
Well this page is deticated to my love for him.
I will put up pictures and anything else that has to do with him.
Mother: Margaret elementry teacher
Father: Amram Ducovny (no h) (divorced in
Siblings: Daniel (older) and Laurie (younger)
Marital Status: Married, Tea Leoni, May
At the age of 13,
David won a
scholarship to New
School, an elite
private boys' school
included the likes of
John F. Kennedy Jr. David's nicknames at school included "Duke" and
"Doggie." After high school, David went to Princeton where he earned a
Bachelor's (AB) degree for English literature in 1982. His senior thesis
was "The Schizophrenic Critique of Pure Reason in Beckett's Early
Novels." For his Master of Arts degree in English Literature, he went to
Yale. David started his acting career at Yale while working on his
dissertation, "Magic and Technology in Contemporary Poetry and Prose,"
which still remains unfinished.
David had various jobs over the years. He has delivered meat, been a
teaching assistant, a caterer and bartender. He currently acts and has had
many small parts in various TV series and movies. For more information,
see David's Filmography.
David won a Golden Globe Award for Best Actor in a TV series in 1997.
David was also GQ's Man of the Year in 1997. You can the photos from
the ceremony here--GQ Awards 1997.
(from XPose #17)
Norman Mailer, Elmore Leonard and
Favorite TV Show:
The Larry Sanders Show
The Rolling Stones, the Black Crowes,
Sly and the Family Stone, Seventies Funk,
Reading, basketball, baseball, jogging,
racquetball, and swimming.
Return to Me (1999-2000) A sweeping romantic drama, Return To Me
centers on a widowed veterinarian and a woman reporter who was the
transplant recipient of his deceased wife's heart. The two are brought
together when she interviews him for a story about her transplant.
Description from IMDB
----> The X-Files Movie (1998) as Special Agent Fox Mulder
First film of the hugely successful TV series 'The X-Files Agents
Mulder and Scully are called in to investigate the bombing of a
Dallas Government Building, only to be pulled into a conspiracy
determined to stop them from uncovering the truth.
-------------> Playing God (1997) as Eugene Sands
Stripped of his medical license after performing an operation
while high on amphetamines, famed L.A. surgeon Dr. Eugene
Sands (David Duchovny) abandons his former life, only to find
himself crossing paths with Raymond Blossom (Timothy Hutton),
a ruthless criminal.
----------------> Kalifornia (1993) as Brian Kessler
Brian Kessler, a journalist researching serial killers, and his
photographer girlfriend Carrie set out on a cross-country tour
of the sites of the killings. Sharing the ride and their expenses
are Early Grayce, a paroled white trash criminal, and his
girlfriend Adele. As the trip progresses, Early begins to appear
more and more unstable, and Brian and Carrie begin to fear
that they may have a real-life serial killer in the back seat of
Description from IMDB
--------------> Chaplin (1992) as Rollie Totheroh
The biography of Charlie Chaplin, filmmaker extraordinaire.
From his formitive years in England to his highest successes in
America, Charlie's life, work, and loves are followed. While his
screen characters were extremely hilarious, the man behind "The
Little Tramp" was constantly haunted by a sense of loss.
Description from IMDB
-----------> Venice/Venice (1992) as Dylan
In this satire of the film world's hypocrisy, a renegade director
(Jaglom) is surprised to hear that his latest opus has been selected as
the official U.S. entry at the Venice Film Festival, where a French
journalist gets carried away in the self-absorbed madness. Shot half in
Venice, Italy, and half in Venice, California.
Description from E! Online
-------------> The Rapture (1991) as Randy
A promiscuous switchboard operator seeks meaning and salvation by
becoming a "Born Again" Christian. Yet as an apparent apocalypse
approaches and God demands an Abraham-like sacrifice, she faces a
cruel dilemma: choosing Heaven or Earth means losing one or the
Description from E! Online
------------------> Julia Has Two Lovers (1991) as Daniel
A woman is faced with a dilemma - marry her reliable, but boring live-in lover of
several years or take a chance and find out more about the wrong number caller she
spent the day talking to.
Description from E! Online
--------------->New Year's Day (1989) as Billy
A man returns to his sublet apartment to find the previous tenants,
three offbeat young women, still in residence, under the mistaken
belief that they have the apartment until the end of New Year's Day.
Description from IMDB
Beethoven (1992) as Brad
Ruby (1992) as Officer Tippit
Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead (1991) as Bruce
Denial (1991) as John, aka Loon
Bad Influence (1990) as a club goer
Working Girl (1988) as Tess's birthday party friend
The X-Files (1993 to 2000) as Special Agent
Fox Mulder is a believer in the paranormal.
He has been assigned to the X-Files unit
which investigates FBI cases for which
standard investigatory techniques don't seem
to work. Dana Scully, a medical doctor and
FBI agent is a skeptic. Together they travel
to FBI cases where something odd has
Description from IMDB
Dr. Katz as himself (voice role) June 1998
Stand-up comedian Jonathan Katz voices Professional Therapist Dr. Jonathan
Katz. A divorced father, he has custody of his 23-year-old slacker son Ben (H.
Jon Benjamin), who dreams of wealth and freedom but is too lazy to find a real
job. Dr. Katz's receptionist is the acerbic Laura (Laura Silverman).
Description from IMDB
Saturday Night Live as the host
David was the host of Saturday Night Live
in May 1995 and May 1998.
The Larry Sanders Show as himself
David was in three episodes of this HBO
comedy. "Flip" May 31, 1998, "Everybody
Loves Larry" December 14, 1996 and "The
Bump" August 9, 1995
Space Above & Beyond (April 1996) as Handsome Alvin
David plays a "Silicate Pool Shark" programmed to do impersonations and play
pool in the episode "R&R" (Quote: 'Do you know who Clint Eastwood is? ... Do
Celebrity panelist week of November 6, 1995 - Lost to Stephen
King "What is Tiffany's"
Red Shoe Diaries (1992 - present) recurring role as Jake
After the death of his beloved fiancee, Jake reads her diary and finds
out that she was having an affair with a young construction worker.
Description from IMDB
Twin Peaks as DEA Agent Dennis/Denise
David was in three episodes of this series in 1990 and 1991.
Episodes 18-21, I think. He played a transvestite DEA
"The Simpsons" as Special Agent Fox Mulder (voice role) in "The Springfield Files" January 12, 1997
"Duckman" as Richard (Beatrice's first husband) in "The Girls of Route Canal" 1996
"Frasier" as Tom (guest caller) in "Frasier Loves Roz" 1996
"Reboot" as Fax Modem in "Trust No One"
Baby Snatcher (1992) as David
A driver driving down a road has a
premonition that something will happen so
he screeches to a halt right before a tree
falls down in front of the car. The driver
gets out of the car and is revealed to be
David... This commercial is for the
European car, "Mondeo."
~ARTICLES ON DD~
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
Jay Leno: My first guest stars in 'The X-Files' and has a new movie called 'Return To Me', it opens next
Friday, a romantic film - please welcome David Duchovny! [Julie's note: RTM actually opens April 7]
[audience cheers wildly half of which is from the dozen or so people I know in the audience :-)]
[David walks out, waves, shakes Jay's hand, hugs Jay, sits.]
David Duchovny: Thanks. Thank you.
JL: I understand you reached an important milestone recently.
DD: I did. I believe the number is five hundred thousand, three hundred and something or other but I am
the most downloaded photograph in Internet history.
[audience screams wildly]
DD: It's, it's hard for me -- I'd like to thank all you fans --
DD: --because, you know, you live in a vacuum a little bit and when your realize that people are actually
at home downloading your image because they wanted....
DD: ...it just warms me a little bit...
JL: You know, I downloaded the photo myself.
DD: Did you really?
DD: Well, that's interesting.
JL: I have it right here -- do you want me to -- should we show it to the people?
DD: Yeah, go ahead. I'm very proud of it.
JL: Show the photo. Go ahead and show it to them.
[Jay holds up a picture of David and Jennifer Lopez from the Grammys - not the picture that actually was
on the Grammys site, this one is a front view of Jennifer's rather revealing dress, and David's profile is
barely visible on the left hand side of the photograph]
JL: It's the most downloaded photo!
DD: You can see why I'm proud.
JL: You should be doubly proud!
DD: [amused] The thing is, Jay, I don't know when Jennifer snuck into that picture behind me. She's in
the back of my driver's license, too.
JL: Really? That kinda town, those things happen.
DD: Yeah, she's quick. [to audience] So, thank you, thank you all.
JL: Now, you know, I gotta show you what I found. I found something at the toy store. I know how
popular 'The X-Files' are and...
[Jay reaches behind David's seat for something]
DD: Just sneak around behind me there.
[Jay brings up an X-Files action figure in its box]
JL: You remember this toy?
DD: Oh, yeah, yeah, well -- it's not a toy.
JL: Oh, I mean, I'm sorry, it's an action figure?
DD: It's an artifact.
JL: Oh, an artifact.
JL: I remember you telling me how hard these are to get.
DD: They are.
JL: You can't get them anywhere.
DD: I couldn't get you one, that's how hard they are to get.
JL: Okay, well, I went to the toy store, I want you to look right at the top... I believe... the original price
was $13.99... it was marked down...
[camera zooms in on price tag on the box (over Mulder's forehead) - it's marked down from $13.99 to
DD: Can we see that other picture again? Well, I think $4.99 is pretty good, still. I mean, it's not $2.99. It's
not $1.99. You don't see many Jay Leno dolls out there, do you?
[laughter and cheers]
[Jay makes claws and meows]
DD: The interesting thing is, if you'll notice [reaches for the action figure] - if I can handle the prop - this
sticker on the forehead here? My wife put one of them on me, marked me down.
DD: Yeah, well, she marked me down to about $4.99 too.
DD: Whatever that means. I don't even know what that means.
JL: Now, I wanted to ask you this, now I know people know you from 'X-Files', but of course --
DD: Do they?
JL: -- your roots, of course, are in the theater.
DD: [laughing] -- my 'roots'. Yeah, they are.
JL: But you were a theater guy, weren't ya?
DD: Yeah, in New York.
JL: I read a story about you awhile back about an audition -- do you know what I'm talking about?
DD: Yes, yes. Uh, I had an audition for a movie called Me and Him. Which was a, uh --
[woman in audience laughs]
DD: You know that movie well? I didn't get it... well, it was about a guy and his penis.
DD: This was a big movie, though -- this was a --
JL: I see why you didn't get it. [off David's insulted look and groans from the audience] That was a bad
joke. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I couldn't help it, I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. Go ahead. I don't remember this
DD: I don't get that, Jay. I really don't get that. So 'Me' was me -- or whoever got the part, I believe it was
Griffin Dunne actually -- and 'Him' was the penis. So for the audition it was like, one of my first auditions,
maybe the tenth or something, and I was very excited to have an audition for a big movie, and uh, the
audition was kind of a monologue but not really, because it was you talking to your penis. But you were
doing both parts.
DD: I'm not making this up at all. So, uh, I get in there and it was directed by a woman and I think there
were three women producers so I'm sitting there, and they say, "Okay, so why don't you go ahead and
show us what you got."
DD: And, I began to read -- I began to do what I'd prepared. And, uh, the voice that I chose for my
penis was something like this [speaks in falsetto voice]
DD: So... I mean, I was really going off the fact that if you were to give a voice to something you know,
well, I'm not going to say what size, but you know, smaller than a human being, you know, that you
DD: -- that you would give it a high voice. So you know, it was kinda one of these things where I'm
saying -- I'm sitting in a cafeteria and my penis says to me oh, look at that girl, look at that girl, why
don't you go talk to her. [to audience] It was a little better written than that --
DD: -- so the, the director and the producer started laughing at me and, we stopped, and I said "Well,
what's so funny?" And they said "Well, we've auditioned, you know, fifty, sixty guys and you are the
first one to choose a falsetto for his penis." And I said, I explained to them why I thought that made
sense, and I said, "Well, what do most penises sound like?" And they said, "Jack Nicholson."
JL: Really? Wow.
DD: [nodding] So apparently all the actors were coming in and it was Well, what do you think of that
girl over there? Why don't you go get her, buddy? [very good Jack Nicholson impression]
JL: See, I like yours. I think your penis --
DD: [incredulous] You like mine?
JL: Well, it's less threatening.
DD: You're less threatened by what?
JL: I mean, I mean your penis is less threatening than the other one.
JL: 'Cause the others were like -- you have a -- it's a cute. It's cute.
DD: Don't make me show you, Jay.
[laughter and screams]
JL: There's another joke, I'm not even going to go there, but --
DD: Don't make me make it talk to you.
JL: Well, let's talk about your movie -- Return To Me, a romantic film...
DD: Yeah, is it, it's a beautiful romantic love story. And when I say beautiful I mean very funny. That's
what I mean by 'beautiful' is 'funny'.
DD: And it's about a guy, that'd be me, whose wife has died and he gets involved with Minnie Driver.
And is more intimately involved with her than he could ever imagine. And there's some twists and turns
and I'm telling you it's like no other film you've seen in the past ten years. And I say that in a good way.
JL: So I'm not going to give away -- but you work with a gorilla, there's a couple of scenes with a gorilla
in the film.
DD: Yeah, yeah.
JL: Intimate would be the wrong word, but you're with a gorilla. You and the gorilla.
DD: See, I don't get that, either.
DD: But uh, yeah, I do a little scene with the gorilla where, my wife had worked in the, uh, zoo and uh,
she had taught this gorilla sign language in communication, and after she is dead I go to the gorilla and
talk to the gorilla because he had been intimate with - well, he knew my wife. [through audience
laughter] And uh - don't encourage them. [of audience] It's time to take the high road here. And so, uh,
I'm feeding him french fries although they aren't really french fries because gorillas can't eat fried food --
[to Jay] you've got your finger on the button, you're scaring me -- okay, the clip's coming up, I know the
clip's coming up. So I, uh, we do like -- [sternly] take your finger off the button -- so we do like seven or
eight takes and I'm giving him this fry, and the trainer said, "He'll put his mouth up to the bars and you'll
just put the fry in his mouth. If he puts his hand out you can give the fry in his hand but it's a little
dangerous because he might grab you." But the gorilla seemed to like me, they said, there was a lot of
eye contact with the gorilla it was -- [to Jay] like us, right now. And, so --
JL: Now I don't know what that means.
DD: I'm hostile from earlier. And so I'm feeding him these zucchini strips, and after about the fifth take,
I've been putting the zucchini strips in his mouth and he's just been taking them and chewing them and
he goes like this [imitates removing the fry from his mouth and putting it aside]. And I was like okay,
well that sucks, so let's go again, and like, we keep on doing the zucchini strip and he keeps taking it out
and finally after about the ninth take I put the strip in his mouth and goes like this. [imitates taking fry
from his mouth and offering it to (David)]
DD: He'd just had enough. And the thing was, when it was time for my coverage, he didn't come out of
his trailer, he didn't give anything off-camera...
JL: Welcome to show business.
JL: [falsetto] Well, let's take a look at your clip now.
DD: I recognize that voice.
JL: [falsetto] Yeah. And what's happening -- this is the scene where you --
DD: Don't make me...
[laughter and screams]
JL: Now this is the scene where you kind of get together with her for the first time.
DD: Okay, I want to set this up -- you see this hairdo right now? [RTMDavid's hair is windblown] It's
very windy -- let's look at both our hairdos before we go over this clip [Minnie's hair is in a shower cap].
My hair -- it's very windblown -- it's a very windy night, we're actually covering the plants in her back
yard. We barely know each other at this point, I have just met her, she was ready for bed and just came
down to cover the plants and that's why she's got the shower cap on and roll.
JL: Return To Me.
Bob: [gesturing off-camera] Did you paint that? [walks over to painting on easel]
Grace: [following him over] Yeah.
Bob: Where is this, Europe?
Grace: [lifts arms in indecision] Could be.
Bob: How many times you been?
Grace: Oh, God, none. I've never been anywhere but here.
Bob: It's beautiful, wherever it is.
Grace: [taking painting from easel] I should take it inside. [pauses] I guess I paint places from
Bob: Bet you can't wait to go to sleep. [their eyes meet, pause.] Would you go out with me?
Bob: Is that a question?
Grace: No, it's a 'yes'. Yes.
Bob: Tomorrow night?
Bob: Pick you up here?
Bob: All right, you're a very
[cheers and applause]
JL: Great job. Can you stick around for
Boom-Boom, the port-a-potty guy?
DD: I've waited my whole life to watch the port-a-potty blow up.
JL: All right, David Duchovny, ladies and gentlemen! Return To Me, opens next Friday [once again, it's
April 7]. [falsetto] David Duchovny, everybody, be right back with Boom-Boom.
Total Request Live
Archived April 5, 2000
Carson: I'm back and joined by David Duchovny here, everybody. How cool is this? "Return to Me" is
David: Thank you.
Carson: Out Friday. How are you? Thanks for taking the time here....
David: (shakes Carson's hand) Hold the mic in the left and shake with right.
Carson: I know you are nuts doing the junket but we appreciate you swingin' by our little show here.
David: (looking outside) Nice to be here. Nice view.
Carson: What do you think? You've never been here before.
David: I've from Manhattan but never on this floor with this view and and certainly there weren't this
many people down there when I did it... or that view right there. (camera shot of model on billboard)
Carson: I don't know who she is.
David: This is not a bad- you will.
Carson: We see her ass every day. It's kind of a part of the show.
David: So if you ever see her you'll go, "Wait a minute, I know you from.. oh excuse me, sorry."
Carson: We had your co-star, Minnie Driver, last week and we asked her.. her favorite kiss, her favorite
Carson: Kinda hoping that she would say you..
David: I'm kinda hoping she did. What did she say?
Carson: She said John Cusack. (David bends over) Don't take it out on me, David.
David: In my defense, we had kind of a nice innocent little chaste kiss, so we didn't really, you know...
that's my only defense, really.
Carson: Is there a professional kiss that you recall-
David: That I liked? (laughs)
Carson: Yeah, that you liked.
David: Um, gosh, there have been so many.
Carson: So many, right?
David: I can't distinguish between the professional ones and the real ones anymore, so...
Carson: It's all a blur.
David: Yeah, it's all a blur. I think Mimi Rogers, way back in The Rapture. That was really nice. But
Minnie was quite nice.
Carson: Very tall. David plays a guy named Bob in this movie, Return to Me. Tell us about... you are a
widower, just go through sorta the plot and fate brings you together with Grace, played by Minnie
Driver. Tell us what is going on with that and how you guys sort of cross paths.
David: The big set-up of the film is that I lose my wife in the first few minutes of the film who I'm in love
with very much, and Minnie, at the same time living in Chicago, the same city, we don't know each other,
but she needs a heart transplant so she actually gets my dead wife's heart. About a year later, I run into
Minnie, and it's love at first sight for reasons we never really figure out but they have something to do
with the heart and with whatever love at first sight happens to be. And you know we'll end up together
from the beginning but it is the pleasure of watching it on screen is what the movie is all about.
Carson: Cool. We'll talk about that. And a lot of songs have been written about David Duchovny or
The X-Files. From the Barenaked Ladies to Bree Sharp, and...
David: I don't know if you saw me perform with the Barenaked Ladies...
Carson: No, I missed that
David: Yeah, on the Tonight Show. I played the egg. I'm a good egg player.
Carson: You rocked it! They were in the mosh pit, watching you.
David: I got so excited during the guitar solo that I had to be led to my mic stand.
Carson: That's the business of rock 'n roll. There's a mention of your life in this next video, number 7.
Watch the Bloodhound Gang and "Bad Touch" at 7 with David Duchovny on TRL! [cheering]
(Bloodhound Gang video plays)
Carson: All right, we were just pointing to a couple of guys outside, running around Broadway. That's
what the show is all about, David.
David: Are they making an X? (laughs)
Carson: A huge fan. Not much more time, let's talk to Elyssa in California.
Elyssa (calling in): Hello?
Carson: How are you?
Elyssa: Hi Carson and David!
David: Hi! How are ya?
Elyssa: I'm cool. So happy to be talking to you!
David: Oh, me, too. [laughter]
Elyssa: I have every episode of The X-Files taped on video.
David: I'm sorry.
Elyssa: What's so bad about that? I think it's a great thing!
David: I know.
Elyssa: Okay, I have a question to ask you.
David: Go ahead.
Elyssa: If you don't come back next season, next year for X-Files, do you think they'll kill off your
David: Um, if they don't kill him, I think they'll hurt him really badly [laughter]
Elyssa: Thank you so much for answering my question!
David: All right, thank you.
Carson: Thanks. Minnie said she would be on an episode sometime in April.
David: Yes. I wrote and directed an episode with Gary Shandling and my wife Tea in it. There's a movie
about the X-Files in the tv show and Gary plays Mulder and Tea plays Scully. And Minnie is just one of
the famous people at the premiere of the movie. Minnie plays Minnie.
Carson: Awesome. Well, thanks for stopping by, I know you're nuts. "Return to Me" is the flick. Check
it out Friday.
David: Did I say it was funny? [cheering]
Carson: Thanks to David Duchovny.
David on the Today Show
April 5, 2000
Archived April 5, 2000
Katie Couric - David Duchovny get to see his lighter side. The actor who plays Fox Mulder, the
paranoid FBI agent on 'The X-Files' now stars in the romantic comedy called 'Return To Me'. This time
out he plays a widower who falls in love on a blind date.
[RTM clip -- Do we know each other?/I think so]
K -What he doesn't know is that his new love is the transplant recipient of his late wife's heart. Oy.
David Duchovny, good morning, David, nice to see you.
David Duchovny - Good morning.
K -We were bemoaning the fact that we have to follow that Robin Williams performance.
D - I know. It's impossible.
K -I think we both need more coffee to do that -- and a lot of other things. So tell me about this movie. I
know that Bonnie Hunt wrote, directed, produced,
D - And was craft services.
K - [laughs] I know that she was very very involved in this project. Is that what made it appealing to
D - I knew Bonnie. We both did a movie called Beethoven together back in 1990. We were both actors, I
say that in quotes, and we just always stayed in touch, she was one of the smartest, funniest people I
had ever met in Los Angeles. And then when I heard she had written a script and was going to direct it,
I just thought that I would love to do that. Actually the whole -- it just all worked out so smoothly.
There weren't any problems along the way. And I've just -- it's a really great situation where you have a
friend and get to take a chance on them professionally, and you get to put your life in their hands. And
they come through for you. It's just a wonderful turn of events for me, professionally, personally.
K -Also, you co-star with Minnie Driver?
K -And I got the impression when I spoke with Minnie that you all got along pretty swimmingly. Is that
D -Yeah, you know, we've been coached to say that.
K -[laughs] Yeah right.
D -But yeah.
K -It seems like you guys had a lot of fun together.
D -We did. Minnie's a lot of fun. She's smart and she's quick and she's game. And, you know, you can't
ask for anything more in a co-star or in a working partner. I mean, she shows up for work every day very
prepared and fun and funny.
K -Now this is a very sweet, sort of romantic comedy, although it obviously has some tragic moments
which you do play a widower who loses his wife very suddenly.
D -Right. But we make that funny.
K -[laughs] You do not. You know, I cried in this movie.
D -You know, it's an interesting thing, because people weep hard in it and they laugh hard in it. And
what Bonnie's able to do is that she doesn't really tell punchline-type jokes. She manages to direct
scenes that are just funny all the way through. There are scenes -- mostly the ones that I'm not in -- that
I laugh all the way through in. Jim Belushi is hysterically funny and David Alan Grier. It's just a
testament to the way Bonnie can work and to her sense of humor. Her guy sense of humor. She's just
able to be funny without relying on punchlines or cheap tricks. It's all human.
K -Sort of real-life situations, characters, although the plot is pretty...
D -Yeah, the plot is bizarre. You know, it's funny to me because I say the chances of this ever happening
are like winning the lottery.
K -I'd say even less, David.
D -You would? Yeah, I guess. But you know, it's always funny to me because people are perfectly
willing to accept what we do on The X-Files and this is more within a possible realm than anything
we've ever done on The X-Files.
K -This is a very wholesome movie in that there's no violence, no sex.
D -Well, there's some kissing.
K -Yeah, yeah, but you know, no full-out... sex scene.
D -Did you miss it?
K -Not at all. Not at all.
D -I'm insulted. You didn't want to see me have, like, this is you.
K -I didn't say that, but do you think that -- it's almost too sweet and romantic in this day and age? It's
unusual to find an adult movie that doesn't have those things in it.
D -Well, I think it is adult in the way that it doesn't use what we call 'adult' tricks. An adult film would be
pornography. And I think that it's adult in that it speaks to how people fall in love rather than the special
effects making love that we have in romantic comedies and in all of Hollywood films. It's really
obligatory at this stage that if you have a man and a woman, you're going to have to have them simulate
coitus onscreen. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I like that, it's just --
K -[laughing] Thank you for that term of art. I appreciate it.
D --- I'm all for simulating coitus, whenever and wherever it happens, but it's really like a bomb exploding
onscreen at this point because we know these people aren't having sex. It's just a convention.
K -And some things are much more erotic when it doesn't happen.
D -It can be and we share some really nice kisses in this and you're not gonna see... you're not gonna
see Minnie's private parts or some body double's private parts, for that matter, you know, and you're not
gonna see mine. But other than that it's very romantic and I guarantee, personally guarantee to the men
out there, they'll get laid if they see this movie with a date. I'll personally guarantee that.
K -Thank you.
D -The sex will happen after the movie. The sex will happen for everybody after the movie, rather than
having to watch it in the movie. And I think hat's a much more enjoyable moviegoing experience.
K -And you have a money-back guarantee on that.
D -I'll personally come to your home and guarantee it. That's what I'm willing to do for this film.
K -We've got a clip from the movie that I understand you don't like very much but we're going to show it
K -It's a bowling scene...
D -Oh, I like it fine, it's just, uh, I think I've seen it before.
K -Well, that's alright, because a lot of people watching today haven't so we'll show it and then we're
going to chat some more.
[Bowling scene clip]
K -Bob, Bob, Bob. Couldn't bowl but could do a lot of other things well. Tell me a little bit about what's
happening with you and The X-Files. You going back?
D -I don't know. Honestly. I would tell you.
K -I'm sure you'd break it here on the Today show.
D -I would. I've been holding on to it. I honestly don't know.
K -Well, let us know.
D -I will. I'll call up.
K -David Duchovny, good to see you, the movie is called Return To Me. And I really liked it.
D -Thank you.
Promoting Return to Me
Archived April 6, 2000
CONTENT WARNING: THIS INTERVIEW IS RATED NC-17.
PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED OR
(immediately following making the Wiccan (Hilary) get spanked with a rubber chicken and Tara get mayo
and baloney thrown at her breasts) HEY! It wasn't my idea! Alot of this material is probably NC-17. I know
that Howard tapes this stuff for airing on E! so that should be coming up early next week. David handled
himself well, but oy.. glad it wasn't me. The rest of the callers are introduced as the call in.
Howard Stern: Now, I read in the newspaper that David was having an affair with Minnie Driver during
the making of this movie.
Howard Stern: Well, that was the rumor... and there's David. Now he's a good looking guy.
Robin: You know, he's a lucky guy
Howard Stern: He's a lucky guy because he won the gene lottery. You've always liked the way he looked.
Yep, gene lottery. Listen it's important to be good looking if you want to be in Hollywood. Although it
never stopped Nicholas Cage.
Robin: Yeah, he ran right through the line.
Howard Stern: How does a man like Nicholas Cage, David, get to be a leading man in Hollywood.
David Duchovny: Not only is he a leading man, but he just finished a movie with my wife.
Howard Stern: Tea Leoni
David Duchovny: That's correct
Howard Stern: That is your wife
David Duchovny: Yeah
Howard Stern: Still in love with her?
David Duchovny: Yes, very much
Robin: What? Do you expect the guy to sit there and go "Nah, I'm not really into her anymore? (all
Howard Stern: No, you are an admitted sex addict and it's gotta be hard for you to settle down. Now you..
Robin: You were an admitted sex addict???
Howard Stern: Yes, yes he is.
David Duchovny: No
Howard Stern: Something wrong with your headphones?
David Duchovny: yeah
Howard Stern: Try the other pair
David Duchovny: those are fine
Howard Stern: You look good in those headphones
David Duchovny: Thank you
Howard Stern: You look better than I do
Robin: Wait, when did he admit to being a sex addict?
David Duchovny: I didn't
Howard Stern: years ago. (Robin laughing)
Robin: That's Geraldo
Howard Stern: You are not an admitted sex addict?
David Duchovny: No
Howard Stern: you are not?
David Duchovny: No
Howard Stern: Are you Geraldo? Which would you choose Geraldo or David Duchovny?
David Duchovny: Geraldo Rivera why dont you...
Howard Stern: Are you fascinated that someone wrote a song about you, David Duchovny
David Duchovny: It's funny.
Howard Stern: It's funny? It's fascinating. Is the girl a good looking girl? Have you ever met her?
David Duchovny: Uh, I saw a picture of her. I've never met her, but.. I got a tape of the song long before it
came out. A friend of mine gave it to me. And I put in my car, and I was driving to work and I thought it
was really fun. It's like my own theme song.
Howard Stern: Oh my God, it's ...
David Duchovny: I cranked it in the car. And then I realized I'm sitting at a red light and that someone
might hear me listening to my own tapes, so..
Howard Stern: Yeah, it would be a little egotistical to be driving around with my own music. You just say
"hey, I'd like people to be able to hear my music while I..."
Robin: I have a personal soundtrack (clip of the song)
Howard Stern: This was a big hit in England, but it never caught on here in America.
David Duchovny: It's also sad to think I would be singing "David Duchovny, why wont you love me" to
Robin: Aww, do you sing that? (laughing)
David Duchovny: I don't understand what that would mean.
Howard Stern: Oh, you know what that means
David Duchovny: yeah
Howard Stern: You're a fan of masturbation, that's what it means
David Duchovny: oh, ok
Howard Stern: You love to masturbate.
David Duchovny: Sex with someone you really love?
Howard Stern: No, you've always been a fan of it, you like watching porno, you've admitted that?
David Duchovny: A fan of masturbation???
Howard Stern: You've admitted to watching porno, that you rewind it back to the scenes you like
David Duchovny: That seems to me to be very normal
Howard Stern: yeah, I'm saying you openly admit that
David Duchovny: openly? yes
Howard Stern: Right.
Robin: Who gets past one scene, what are you talking about?
David Duchovny: You don't get past one scene? You get excited and it's over? (all laughing)
Howard Stern: I'll get to your new movie in a second, first address the rumors that you and Minnie Driver
had sex during the shooting of your new movie.
David Duchovny: Not only did we not have sex during the shooting of the movie, we don't have sex in the
Howard Stern: You don't?
David Duchovny: No
Howard Stern: Because it was reported in a London newspaper that you were kissing and making out
with Minnie Driver on a rock
David Duchovny: no, no, no
Robin: on a rock?
Howard Stern: On a rock. Here, wait, I'll read it to you and then you can respond
David Duchovny: ok.
Robin: Maybe they were doing research
Howard Stern: No, I don't believe they would make this up. The London Mirror claims in November that
you were seeing making out with Minnie Driver in Malibu while they were attending a movie.
David Duchovny: They got that part right.
Howard Stern: And there have been other reports in other publications, as well.
David Duchovny: Same story
Howard Stern: But you are denying it?
David Duchovny: I'm suing
Howard Stern: You are suing?
David Duchovny: yeah
Howard Stern: How much are you suing for?
David Duchovny: Oh, that doesn't matter
Howard Stern: Why can't I sue somebody?
Robin: Cause they never lie about you
Howard Stern: Yeah, they never lie, they tell the truth. No, no, they have lied tremendous amounts
David Duchovny: And you've never sued?
Howard Stern: This year they have lied alot
David Duchovny: And you have not sued?
Howard Stern: No, I don't sue anybody.
David Duchovny: Why not?
Howard Stern: No, I do sue. I sue people
Robin: Well, they haven't been malicious
Howard Stern: Well, in my case no one would ever believe it would be malicious
David Duchovny: Because you're separated it's not as malicious
Howard Stern: Right, it's fair game, but I have kids and stuff like that
Robin: They don't care
Howard Stern: They don't care
David Duchovny: The kids don't care?
Howard Stern: No the kids do care
Robin: No, I'm saying the tabloids don't care
David Duchovny: That's the horrible part, but you know
Howard Stern: Do you think your marriage will last to Tea Leoni
David Duchovny: Yes, I do
Howard Stern: Beautiful woman, don't get wrong
David Duchovny: Yes, I do
Howard Stern: But the temptation to kiss Minnie Driver (David laughing) and the other girls is there, I
mean you are sexy hollywood...
David Duchovny: Temptation to smear mayonnaise on women and throw baloney at them?
Howard Stern: By the way, speaking of that, let these broads meet you
Robin: These girls..
David Duchovny: You know I wanted to come in here to stop it and meet them before you ...
Robin: What are you trying to ruin our fun?
David Duchovny: yeah, then I thought it would ruin your fun. Hey, can I just talk about that Minnie thing
for a second?
Howard Stern: Yeah, go ahead. Let's address that. Let's get that over with
David Duchovny: what happened was Minnie and I went to the movies in Malibu
Howard Stern: Why?
David Duchovny: Because we're friends now because we've made this movie together
Howard Stern: When I was married, I could not go to the movies with a female friend
Robin: Why not?
David Duchovny: It was a mistake
Howard Stern: It is a mistake
David Duchovny: I will admit that that was a mistake
Robin: But why do you think that was now?
David Duchovny: I didn't come here to talk about Howard (laughing)
Howard Stern: Why do I think
Robin: Why do you think
David Duchovny: You guys can talk all the time
Howard Stern: The reason you can't have friends... excuse us David.. the reason you can't have friends
when you are married is that the woman gets jealous
David Duchovny: That's not true
Robin: Oh, please
Howard Stern: And it gets misconstrued
David Duchovny: That's true.
Howard Stern: When you are running around with another woman you are somehow having an affair
Robin: Well, yeah if it gets into the newspaper
Howard Stern: Why wasn't he going to the movies with his wife?
David Duchovny: She was in New York
Howard Stern: She was in New York because she was going to the movies with me
Robin: She's going to the movies with Ed Norton
David Duchovny: Ed Norton? The guy from the Honeymooners?
Howard Stern: Right. Seriously... you got lonely
David Duchovny: No no no
Howard Stern: you can't go to the movies with a man?
David Duchovny: This is the truth
Howard Stern: This is the truth...
Robin: All his guy friends were busy
David Duchovny: I wouldn't lie to you Howard. I wanted to go to the movies. It was Being John
Howard Stern: I saw that. What did you think of that?
David Duchovny: It was pretty good
Robin: Not a raving endorsement
Howard Stern: It's not a great movie
David Duchovny: I'm happy that a movie like that got done
Howard Stern: I was glad when it was done (all laughing)
David Duchovny: Alright..
Robin: you had enough of being John Malkovich
Howard Stern: Was it a drive-in movie you took her to?
David Duchovny: A drive in?
Howard Stern: So you could make out in the car with Minnie who has a smoking little body. He didn't go
to the movies with some dog, let me tell ya.
Robin: You didn't call that witch
David Duchovny: so, uh, what they don't report in the story is that Gary Shandling was with us the entire
Howard Stern: So, you were making out with Gary as well
David Duchovny: Absolutely, actually, I was only making out with Gary
Howard Stern: But isn't that the usual move when you're having an affair to have a male friend with you
to make it look like you aren't with her alone
David Duchovny: Howard, if I were having an affair would go to a public place
Howard Stern: Exactly. That's exactly what I would do
Robin: Ask Geraldo
Howard Stern: Geraldo is in a booth taking pictures with the chic. I mean, you sex addicts are crazy
David Duchovny: Right, right because I'm a sex addict (laughing)
Howard Stern: So, you
David Duchovny: Sometimes I forget that I'm a sex addict
Howard Stern: Alright. Forget about that. We've proven you aren't a sex addict, in fact your wife even
said that she has heard the rumors that you were a sex addict and then she met you and realized you were
David Duchovny: yeah, because we hardly ever make love
Howard Stern: Hardly make love
David Duchovny: yeah
Howard Stern: But you've been married now how many years?
David Duchovny: Almost 3 years
Howard Stern: And you don't often say.. gee, Minnie Driver is attractive, there is probably some
chemistry there, you are making a movie together. There is a temptation. There are so many good looking
people around. And your wife is beautiful, I'm not saying that..
David Duchovny: yeah, I know
Howard Stern: But the temptation is not there you say?
David Duchovny: uh huh. No, not with someone you are working with because you don't want to screw
up... to me the job is more important than any of that
Howard Stern: To be honest, when I did my movie I wanted to make love to all the women on it
David Duchovny: That's because you are a neophyte
Howard Stern: Thank you for saying that by the way. Robin, what's a neophyte? (all laughing) I think I've
been insulted. Now, you have many lawsuits going on now. But wait, the movie thing with Minnie. You
went with Gary, and that's your buddy Gary Shandling?
David Duchovny: yeah, he..
Howard Stern: HE does not look well.
David Duchovny: He's fine
Robin: Is he a sad guy? He always looks like he's having a bad time to me
David Duchovny: No, he's actually much more content than he appears to be. He...
Howard Stern: Who's his girlfriend now? I know he broke up with that uh...what's her name
David Duchovny: You know, you guys with your research are just spot on... "he broke up with what's her
Howard Stern: Why didn't he bang Minnie? If uh, you weren't banging Minnie.
David Duchovny: Why didn't he bang Minnie???? She has a boyfriend
Howard Stern: Josh Brolin, is that correct?
David Duchovny: Right
Howard Stern: Famous for being James Brolin's son
Robin: And Barbara Streisand's stepson David Duchovny: and he's an actor in his own right...
Howard Stern: Did you get to go to the house of uh... Did you go with Minnie and James Brolin's son to
David Duchovny: What do you think?
Robin: Did you watch James and Barbara
David Duchovny: No
Howard Stern: Those two are madly in love, James Brolin and Barbara Streisand, with themselves
Robin: You've got to watch that
Howard Stern: You've got to watch that. I understand they even get massaged together
Robin: And hold hands
Howard Stern: And hold hands during it. Yeah, one hand each
David Duchovny: that's a strong guy
Howard Stern: So, you hang out with a pretty fast crowd. You've got Gary Shandling and Minnie Driver.
David Duchovny: I don't really hang out with Minnie. I've seen her maybe 3 or 4 times since we finished
Howard Stern: Let me ask you something, now when this report comes out in the paper... does your wife
confront you and say "What is this? You're making out with Minnie Driver?" What, do you feel
compelled to go explain to her?
David Duchovny: Sure you feel compelled to...
Howard Stern: So it created a problem in your life...
Robin: So, is that what happened, it came out in the paper? Did you find out about it first, or did she...
David Duchovny: yeah, those lovely tabloids always give you a heads up, when..
Robin: So, they call
David Duchovny: They call for comment (all laughing)
Howard Stern: So, wait a second, when this happens to you, when this tragedy happens to you
David Duchovny: It's not a tragedy, it's..
Howard Stern: It is a tragedy because then your wife gets suspicious
David Duchovny: It's a pain in the A
Howard Stern: Right. So, you say to your wife, listen honey, I went to the movies with Gary Shandling..
David Duchovny: She already knew I went to the movies with Minnie and Gary
Howard Stern: And you said, look
David Duchovny: No, when I was sitting there, there was some A-hole taking pictures of us.
Howard Stern: Really?
David Duchovny: So, I said to Minnie, there's going to be a story of us having an affair. And when I got
home from the movie I called Tea. She'd known that I was going to the movies with Gary and...I said, there
was a photographer there, there is going to be a story at some point, so we fully expected it.
Howard Stern: Yeah, ok, so Tea trusts you. I wouldn't trust you, but Tea does.
David Duchovny: Well, you're not married to me.
Robin: So, she trust you...
Howard Stern: Do you want me to spank you with a rubber chicken.
David Duchovny: Oh, I'd like that
Howard Stern: I'm not marrying you
David Duchovny: I don't want to marry you.. I'll use you and throw you away
Howard Stern: Treat me like a dog
David Duchovny: Yeah, I want to grab your hair
Howard Stern: Yeah, my mane. It's like a lions mane. Ok. So you and Gary Shandling are close
David Duchovny: You are looking good, Howard
Howard Stern: Am I? Very few people say that. Coming from a handsome man like you
Robin: Now you've been talking about getting your hair cut, he's got a new haircut
David Duchovny: I just washed it and didn't put any product in it
Howard Stern: Yeah, you'll get a lot of product in my hair. So, anyway, how does Minnie kiss? (all
David Duchovny: I don't...
Howard Stern: No, I've met Minnie Driver many times
David Duchovny: I hate to tell you this because it's gonna turn some people off from going to see the
movie, but the movie is so chaste and kind of innocent that we ...
Robin: What, you don't even touch?
David Duchovny: No no, we do kiss, but it's not even a french kiss.
Howard Stern: I like the premise of this movie. I like romantic movies
David Duchovny: This is such a romantic movie. And not only.. the way I am circumventing the lack of sex
in the film is that I am personally guaranteeing that if men take women to this movie, they'll get laid later.
Howard Stern: I read that. I read that you are saying that women get so sort of, turned on by the movie
that they will get laid after the movie.
David Duchovny: yeah, I made that guarantee and then my manager's book keeper, who is a 70 year old
woman, she called my manager and said that she would have to get her money back because I don't think
I'm going to get any
Howard Stern: Yeah, but the movie's premise is a good one. In other words you are a married man , you
are happily married, and your wife is killed in a bizarre accident. She dies and her heart is given to another
woman. And you go around looking for this woman who received the hear.
David Duchovny: No, I just happen to meet Minnie, who is a waitress in a restaurant.
Robin: And you are drawn to her, but you don't know why
Howard Stern: And she has your wife's hear?
David Duchovny: Right. And then we figure out later
Howard Stern: And you don't kiss her in the movie? Well, you kiss her, but not even a french kiss? What,
are you a homosexual in this movie?
David Duchovny: yeah, that's it
Howard Stern: I would think you would have sex with her
Robin: yeah, he's a homosexual who just lost his wife
David Duchovny: hey, it happens alot!
Howard Stern: Was Minnie the first choice to play your love interest?
David Duchovny: You know, I didn't have any choices. That would be a Bonnie Hunt question.
Howard Stern: Bonnie Hunt? Isn't that Mike's sister?
David Duchovny: Oh oh....
Howard Stern: Mike Hunt
Robin: You had to say it
Howard Stern: so.. in other words Minnie Driver..
David Duchovny: Do you know Bonnie Hunt?
Howard Stern: I guess I don't
David Duchovny: Bonnie is one of the funniest women on the planet
Robin: She's that blonde
Howard Stern: That Letterman is in love with?
David Duchovny: No, they..
Robin: He gave her a tv show
Howard Stern: Oh, right, oh sure I know who that is
David Duchovny: She's a good actress and she's funny and she's directed a movie that is really, really
Howard Stern: ok. So, this is going to be a good movie and you feel it will be well reviewed?
David Duchovny: yeah, it is already well reviewed
Howard Stern: It is already well reviewed?
David Duchovny: Yeah
Howard Stern: So, now it's just a matter of getting the public to go out and see it
David Duchovny: That's why I'm here, Howard
Howard Stern: Smart man
David Duchovny: It's for the public
Howard Stern: We can deliver 3 or 4 hundred people. No, the people will go see it. I like the premise. I like
a romantic movie. I don't want to go..
Robin: You do like romantic movies David Duchovny: Take one of the many women you are seeing
Robin: No, friends
Howard Stern: Friends? No, I'm the sex addict it turns out.
David Duchovny: You are kind of like the methidone addict of sex addicts. Because you aren't really
getting any, you are getting the fake stuff.
Howard Stern: No. I'm in too much pain to be going out and having sex
David Duchovny: No, I'm sure that's true
Howard Stern: That is true
Robin: What did it give you a rash?
Howard Stern: No, I mean, it's... you understand.. this is very upsetting
David Duchovny: No, it's upsetting. How long were you with your wife?
Howard Stern: 23 years
David Duchovny: That's just got to be horrible
Howard Stern: It's awful. It's a terrible thing to happen
David Duchovny: So, you don't want to do anything right now, even though it's very hard for you not to
Howard Stern: Well, I'm horny
David Duchovny: well, not only that but because you're so public, but you don't want to do anything
because you might get back together.
Howard Stern: Yeah, we might
David Duchovny: wait, is that bad?
Howard Stern: No. I don't know.
David Duchovny: She understands your job and what you have to do, but you don't want to cross the
line. Because there is a line, you just don't know where it is.
Howard Stern: Right. Oh, I know where it is. I'm trying to cross that line
David Duchovny: It exists
Howard Stern: Now, Gary Shandling is the opposite of you. You became a family man, and Gary
Shandling dates like a motherfer.
Robin: Does he?
Howard Stern: Hell, yeah. He loves to date
Robin: I never see him out with women
Howard Stern: No, you wont ever see him out with women
David Duchovny: He's extremely private, Gary
Howard Stern: Oh, he's a lover though. I mean look at him. He's so handsome to look at
David Duchovny: that's not nice
Howard Stern: Oh, come on, Gary is a mess like I am. You don't look like Gary, you've got a nice face.
Robin: Yeah, why would Gary hang around with him? What's wrong with him?
Howard Stern: He should be hanging out with me. Have you ever seen Shandling nude?
David Duchovny: yeah
Howard Stern: Oh! really.. because you guys play basketball together and stuff? And you change in the
David Duchovny: Yeah, and then a horn goes off, and it's everybody in the pool
Howard Stern: But you guys play basketball, right? Like a regular basketball game? Does Gary play?
David Duchovny: Yeah, Gary's a better player than you think
Howard Stern: Really? I'm shocked. How many guys play in this game
David Duchovny: Just two. Just me and Gary
Howard Stern: Is that true?
David Duchovny: Well, it's sometimes 3 on 3
Howard Stern: Really? Ok. Give me the list of celebrities
David Duchovny: I can't give you that
Howard Stern: Please
David Duchovny: Oh come on
Howard Stern: Why are you being like that
David Duchovny: it's what they do on weekends
Howard Stern: So, what, why are you being like that? It's a basketball game not a love affair.
David Duchovny: Um.. who goes... Kevin Neelan
Howard Stern: I know Kevin Neelan
David Duchovny: Very funny guy
Howard Stern: Do you need to be a funny guy to be in this game?
David Duchovny: It helps
Howard Stern: Alright so Shandling, Neelan....And Neelan plays with his hair, or without his hair?
Robin: Oh oh....
David Duchovny: uh..
Howard Stern: Well, he's sweating, who wants to see all that fake hair
Robin: well, it's funny
Howard Stern: Who else... Shandling, you, Neelan. Kevin Neelan is a tall guy, so I imagine he would be a
good basketball player
David Duchovny: Kevin's a good athelete. There's a girl who plays sometimes
Howard Stern: Who's the girl
David Duchovny: Sara Silverman
Howard Stern: I know who that is, the comedienne. She's cute. You don't want to bang her?
Robin: Why do you hang out with all these comediennes?
David Duchovny: uh, I don't hang out with only comediennes
Howard Stern: He fancies himself a comedienne
Robin: It's this dramatic actor who wants to be a funny
Howard Stern: Yeah, everyone wants to be something they are not. So, you hang around with Sara
Silverman, Neelan and Shandling. You play at Shandling's house mostly.. he has a big court?
David Duchovny: yeah
Howard Stern: And you've seen Gary nude?
David Duchovny: No actually, I haven't.
Howard Stern: I didn't think that was going to happen. You ever see Sara nude?
David Duchovny: No. No H. No. Yeah, he saw her
David Duchovny: I tried not to get into this
Howard Stern: That's alright, I'm fascinated with your life.
Robin: Now how often do they play? Is it like a Tuesday night game
David Duchovny: Once a week on the weekends
Howard Stern: Once a week? I need a weekend game
David Duchovny: You do.
Howard Stern: I do. I've been trying to organize one.
Howard Stern: I'm too tired to play
David Duchovny: Sandler also has a game. When you are out in LA you can call him up
Howard Stern: I don't think Sandler is going to want to play a game with me
David Duchovny: Why? What's going on?
Howard Stern: Well, he's uptight
David Duchovny: With you?
Howard Stern: Yeah, because I don't like his movies
David Duchovny: Oh, I didn't know that
Howard Stern: Yeah. Do you like his movies?
David Duchovny: I haven't seen them.. I don't watch..
Robin: You haven't seen any of his movies?
David Duchovny: Honestly, I haven't. I've heard he's very funny
Howard Stern: You are leaving the XFiles?
David Duchovny: I don't know.
Robin: This is your last season. They say you aren't re-upping
David Duchovny: Possible
Howard Stern: Why? Why not re-up? What did you mean? Do you want more money?
David Duchovny: No, actually. It's a combo...it's not so much boredom. I only get two months off and... R&
Howard Stern: Awwwwwww only two months. That's terrible. Oh how horrible. My goodness. What do
you want to do stay home with the wife?
David Duchovny: Let me know when I can finish my sentence...
Howard Stern: Go ahead. What? You want to do more films? You want to do more film work
David Duchovny: My turn now?
Howard Stern: Go ahead
David Duchovny: Yeah and I would like to do other things with my life and my career, so.. uh, if I could...I
made terms available to FOX by which I would come back
Howard Stern: Right
Robin: So, instead of being on on a regular basis, you would
David Duchovny: Well, I'm not going to negotiate this here
Howard Stern: Why not? What else do you have to do
David Duchovny: I'm just responding..
Howard Stern: We can talk about that basketball again. It gives us more time for Minnie
David Duchovny: So, I've got my terms
Robin: Well, you know you have them by the..
Howard Stern: Balls
Robin: Because Chris has said that he wont do it without you.
David Duchovny: No he hasn't.
Robin: I read that the other day
Howard Stern: He's sticking up for his man
David Duchovny: That's bull ( I think...)
Howard Stern: Are you.. Now, you don't like Gillian Anderson, the woman you work with...
David Duchovny: I do!
Howard Stern: No, you have made statements in the past
David Duchovny: I have never
Howard Stern: And your relationship with her is somewhat strained
Robin: Strained? Or strange?
Howard Stern: Strained. Let me read it to you
David Duchovny: No, it's not
Howard Stern: "Our relationship is odd. It's completely fabricated. When work is over. She is the last
person I want to see"
David Duchovny: That not only extends to her, but when work is over, I don't want to see anyone from
Howard Stern: What about her contract?
David Duchovny: Do you and Robin socialize after the show?
Howard Stern: Very rarely
David Duchovny: I'm sorry
Howard Stern: I would like to see her, she doesn't want to see me. So, you are telling me that you do like
David Duchovny: I do like Gillian Anderson.
Howard Stern: And her contract is not being negotiated, she will be in the show?
Robin: She has another year, I think
David Duchovny: that's true
Howard Stern: So, she would continue without you
David Duchovny: She has to
Howard Stern: She has to?
David Duchovny: Right
Howard Stern: Interesting. Let these two women meet you. DD is the star of a new movie. Return to Me
which opens Friday. Why did I not get a screening of this movie?
David Duchovny: Why didn't you?
Howard Stern: It's your fault. You are supposed to arrange that
David Duchovny: I am?
Howard Stern: Yes. These two women have suffered humiliation
David Duchovny: Yes, I am aware of that
Robin: They are in love with you
Howard Stern: They are in love with you
David Duchovny: I'd like to apologize to you for what you had to go through
Howard Stern: Well, you had nothing to do with it
David Duchovny: There is no way I can actually live up to being beaten by a rubber chicken
Howard Stern: Now this woman is a witch and she wanted to meet you
David Duchovny: Is that a Princeton yearbook?
Howard Stern: Tara you are holding what? A Princeton yearbook? Tara yeah,
Robin: David's year? Tara yeah
David Duchovny: I hope so
Howard Stern: David's a smart guy
David Duchovny: 1882
Howard Stern: And you wanted to meet him, you went through having mayonnaise smeared on your
David Duchovny: What are their names?
Howard Stern: Tara and the witch
David Duchovny: Wicca
Howard Stern: Wicca. Oh, he goofs on that too all the time
David Duchovny: Hilary was a good sport.
Howard Stern: They both were Hilary: Can I hit you with a rubber chicken?
Howard Stern: He'd do it, believe me
David Duchovny: Maybe later
Howard Stern: So, you have a website. What do you do? You sit on the internet and you have pictures of
DD. Hilary No, I don't really do the pictures or video kind of thing. I have fanfiction and images
Robin: What is fanfiction? You keep throwing out terms
David Duchovny: I don't know Hilary Oh, you don't know
David Duchovny: I've never been on the internet
Howard Stern: You've never been on? You aren't serious
David Duchovny: No, I think you are just going to run into something that is going to humiliate you
Howard Stern: Believe me you will
David Duchovny: It's like walking into the dog..
Howard Stern: What is fanfiction for DD Hilary Fanfiction is short stories, novels sometimes poetry that
is written using the characters from television and movies
Howard Stern: So, it's not DD, it's his character from XFiles Hilary Oh yeah, I write Mulder and Scully, I
don't write Actor fic
Howard Stern: Really? So, you guys are in love with this guy. Is that what you are here to say?
David Duchovny: Sounds like she's in love with Mulder, to me Hilary Thank you. That's exactly it.
David Duchovny: Ok.
Howard Stern: Well, you find him attractive don't you? He's the reason you are in love. Hilary Well, he's
Mulder. Mulder's him. But...
Robin: Let me ask you a question
Howard Stern: She doesn't have a husband or a boyfriend
David Duchovny: She's got a firm grasp on reality
Robin: Have you ever closed your eyes... Hilary And?
Robin: And had Mulder visit?
Howard Stern: And touch yourself. When you are rubbing yourself
David Duchovny: Robin, have you?
Howard Stern: Uh, yes, she has
Robin: Let's not talk about it
Howard Stern: You have actually, haven't you
David Duchovny: Robin, the fact that you like me and like the show has been a source of great comfort to
me over the years
Robin: Oh, I'm glad
David Duchovny: Howard, can you look the other way while I...
Howard Stern: yeah, go ahead do what you want
David Duchovny: Look the other way
Howard Stern: I'm looking the other way
David Duchovny: you're cramping me
Howard Stern: Now what do you do? Rub yourself to David Duchovny's image? Seriously, have you ever
thought of making love with him?
Robin: Tell the truth Hilary (Laughing).. uh, Mulder
Howard Stern: Mulder? Really? (plays a vibrator sound) Interesting
David Duchovny: Is that her shaving?
Howard Stern: Yeah. And you are such a fan Tara that you have this yearbook? Tara Yeah, it was a
Christmas/Hannukah present from one of my friends
David Duchovny: Can I ask you a question? Tara yeah
David Duchovny: Did you get that book from someone who actually was at Princeton, or can you actually
purchase those like from Ebay Tara I don't know. I think he got it off of Ebay, but he wouldn't tell me how
he got it.
David Duchovny: I think Ebay should just be thrown in jail. The whole thing.
Howard Stern: Me, too
David Duchovny: Selling yearbooks? That's like selling someone else's Heisman trophy
Robin: Yeah, but it was probably someone from your class who sold it
Howard Stern: So, wait, you are such a fan of DD's that you would like to make love to him, right? Be
honest. Tara You have to know somebody before you make love to them
Howard Stern: Oh right. I forgot I'm not a girl.
Robin: It's a guy that she fantasizes about. When she fantasizes, she makes up a whole personality to go
Howard Stern: I don't have to know anybody to make love to them.
David Duchovny: I'm proud that these two women are intelligent and are answering the questions really
well. I'm so proud of them...
Howard Stern: They'd go in the bathroom right now and give you oral sex. I believe. So, you bought the
yearbook why? Because you are a DD fan, or a Mulder fan. Tara I'm a DD fan. This was a gift though.
Robin: What else have you seen him in?
David Duchovny: I think that they should wrestle then. The Mulder fan against the Duchovny fan
Robin: I want to know what else you've seen him in Tara He's done Kalifornia, the Rapture.
David Duchovny: Enough. I love this woman Tara Julia Has Two Lovers.
David Duchovny: She's all over the place. She's right
Howard Stern: Wow Tara Red Shoe Diaries
David Duchovny: Yeah!
Howard Stern: He's your kind of man Tara Yes.
Robin: It's the look you like Tara Yes
Howard Stern: Go out and find someone who looks like that
Robin: Good Luck
Howard Stern: Better go to Hollywood.
David Duchovny: Go to 11th st and 2nd ave, they all look like that
Howard Stern: Is it true that you were once JFK Jr's roommate on a class trip?
David Duchovny: Yeah, on a class trip
Howard Stern: How does that work? How do you get to be his roommate on a class trip?
David Duchovny: I went to Collegiate on 77th and Broadway
Howard Stern: That's a high school?
David Duchovny: Yeah, it's a high school
Howard Stern: He went to Collegiate?
David Duchovny: He left after 9th grade
Howard Stern: He did. He wasn't that bright so they threw him out?
David Duchovny: No, he went to boarding school. I went to high school there
Howard Stern: Was the secret service up your ass? Where they all over you?
David Duchovny: No, they were really pretty mellow, but they were around
Howard Stern: What's it like to be in a room with John F Kennedy Jr. Now there's a major tookie (sp?)
bandit, he can get tons of women
David Duchovny: This is 9th grade
Howard Stern: Doesn't matter, I'm sure he was getting girls at that point
Robin: 20 year olds going after him
David Duchovny: Well, we were in an all boys school so if there was any tookie being given, it would have
Howard Stern: You were sharing the room with him did you go "Oh my God, he's such a hunk"
David Duchovny: Yeah, he I jumped him
Howard Stern: What did you talk about that night? Did you become good friends?
David Duchovny: Uh, no. friends, but in the way that 14 year olds talk. I can't tell you.. I can't remember
what we talked about
Robin: It was no big deal to you?
David Duchovny: Well, it was when I first got to the school. I was from the lower east side, and I remember
Howard Stern: But it sounds like you were a rich kid?
David Duchovny: No no no
Howard Stern: How did you get into this school?
David Duchovny: SCHOLARSHIP!
Howard Stern: A Scholarship? You were that smart?
David Duchovny: I don't know that I was that smart
Howard Stern: Now when you were in the room with JFK Jr. Now obviously, at night, you had to get into
something to wear
David Duchovny: Anyway, the first day of school, I sat there, and of course, I was fascinated by the fact
that JFK Jr was at the school. I sat down at school and asked which one was John John. And the kid next
to me kind of slowly turned and said, "His name is John". So, that's the way it was. I just had to learn.
Howard Stern: You didn't become close friends with him, but through some quirk of fate, you become his
roommate for the class trip
David Duchovny: I think they put the scholarship kid in with him. I dont know what they did.
Howard Stern: Right. So, you had to earn your way into that school, and he bought his way in. Is that
right? Did you resent that?
David Duchovny: I'm not agreeing with what you said, and no, I didn't.
Howard Stern: Oh believe me, he didn't get in there the same way you did. Now when you were on this
school trip and I don't know where you went, do you remember where you went?
David Duchovny: Washington, DC
Howard Stern: Washington, DC. Do you remember why you were there?
David Duchovny: Class trip
Howard Stern: Class trip, see the FBI, Smithsonian
Robin: He went to the White House and went on the regular tour because he's never been on it.
Howard Stern: Don't you think that's strange that he toured the White House?
David Duchovny: I think it was his first time back
Howard Stern: Really? So you were with him when he went back to the White House for the very first
David Duchovny: What was odd was that we were really very protective of him. The guide of the White
House had been alerted the JFK Jr. was in this group although he didn't know what he looked like. And he
kept on trying to find out which one he was by putting out little asides. But we wouldn't give it away. He
would say "John, you may remember this..." and look around.
Howard Stern: So, he wasn't obnoxious. He wasn't like "Tour Guide, you've got that wrong". He was a
very nice, down to earth guy
David Duchovny: John was a very gentle guy
Howard Stern: He was a very gentle guy?
David Duchovny: especially in bed with me...
Howard Stern: I knew him
David Duchovny: You were being sincere?
Howard Stern: Yeah, I'm being sincere. And his wife was fabulous. She was a wonderful woman
Robin: Now, you weren't her roommate of hers on some trip?
Howard Stern: I wish I was a roommate of hers... I was banging her.
David Duchovny: I guess even when you're dead you can't get away.
Howard Stern: I'm asking you this sincerely...
David Duchovny: yeahhhhhh
Howard Stern: When it came time to go to bed, you saw JFK Jr. naked didn't you?
David Duchovny: No!
Howard Stern: Why?
David Duchovny: I don't know. Maybe I did, I don't remember.
Howard Stern: you don't remember? You didn't say to yourself "Gee, I have JFK Jr. naked I'm gonna see
what's doing in his pants?
Robin: 14 year olds getting naked with each other?
Howard Stern: Sure they do.
David Duchovny: It wasn't a Catholic school
Howard Stern: You didn't see him naked?
David Duchovny: I'm shy, I don't look
Howard Stern: It would burn a hole in your retina.
David Duchovny: I'm sure we were wearing underwear
Howard Stern: This is a famous person nude in your room. I'm not gay, but I would look
David Duchovny: 14, you're thinking this is a famous person , I should..
Howard Stern: Yes, I would
David Duchovny: Not at 14 you wouldn't
Howard Stern: I don't believe it.
Howard Stern: Samantha, you are on the air with DD. His new movie Return to Me stars Minnie Driver.
It's a love story about a guy who loses his wife and Minnie Driver gets her heart, and he finds her.
David Duchovny: But it's funny as hell
Howard Stern: It is funny? You say it's funny.
David Duchovny: It's funny
Howard Stern: It's a romantic comedy?
David Duchovny: It's not a romantic comedy. It's... a story that is hysterically funny. There are scenes in
this movies where.. there are no punchlines, but you laugh through the entire scene.
Howard Stern: Obviously, you must love the movie because you are out there promoting it.
David Duchovny: I do. I'm proud of Bonnie. I'm proud of everybody.
Howard Stern: Go ahead Samantha, what's up? S: Hi, Howard. I have to let you know something. I love
you. I've listened to you for years. And Robin. But this guy's a dick.
Howard Stern: Why is he a dick? S: Who does he think he is? He's so stuck up.
Howard Stern: He's not stuck up. He's a very down to earth guy. S: Awww he wants you to let him finish
his sentences. Come one.
Howard Stern: I happen to like David S: That's ok if you like him, I really don't. I don't even think he's
Howard Stern: awwwwwww. Girls is he good looking?
Howard Stern: Will you fight he
David Duchovny: Tara, Tara don't.
Howard Stern: That would be great.
Howard Stern: Here's big black, he wants to say something
David Duchovny: Thanks for letting that last call through.
Howard Stern: go ahead BB: David, You and Howard's worst enemies Kathie Lee and Rosie are going to
ruin his life tomorrow
Howard Stern: Why?
David Duchovny: What the "Who wants to be a millionaire"
Howard Stern: Are you doing "WWBACM"?
Robin: awwwww No
Howard Stern: I'll tell you why I am against that
David Duchovny: Ok.
Howard Stern: I believe WWBAM is a great show
David Duchovny: I don't
Howard Stern: You don't like it?
David Duchovny: No.
Howard Stern: I like it.
Robin: Why are you doing it if you don't like it?
Howard Stern: Why are you doing it?
David Duchovny: I could win a million dollars for charity
Howard Stern: That's why you are doing it?
David Duchovny: A million dollars!
Howard Stern: My money is on you. You are a smart guy
Robin: You could also bomb out on the 100 question and look like an idiot.
Howard Stern: Will they make the questions easier because you are a celebrity?
David Duchovny: I hope so
BB: Hey, Dave what were your SAT scores
David Duchovny: oh...
Howard Stern: What were your SAT scores? And don't say you don't remember because of course you
do. Were you a 1600 guy
David Duchovny: Yeah, I do. 1360
Robin: But he's done Jeopardy and won
Howard Stern: What did you get in Math
David Duchovny: I got 680s on both of them
BB: I got 740 on my math
Howard Stern: You are a liar
Robin: Oh please go back and play on your computer
Howard Stern: I'll tell you why I am against it. I like the show
David Duchovny: I don't like the show
Robin: Why don't you like the show
David Duchovny: Can I tell you why I don't like it?
Howard Stern: yeah.
David Duchovny: We are doing the XFiles and we are working our asses off
Howard Stern: Right
David Duchovny: And they walk out with a million dollars and they squash us in the ratings. All they do is
bring out a suitcase full of money
Howard Stern: Alright, you have a special reason because you put all this work into a show
David Duchovny: We try to actually make a good show, we care, and we've been doing it for 7 years.
We've worked really hard, and we do care.
Howard Stern: I like a good game. I like the drama of it
David Duchovny: I've watched it too
Howard Stern: When the celebrities are on...
David Duchovny: I feel like I shouldn't finish my sentence now that that I've been attacked...
Howard Stern: When the celebrities are on, I feel, they don't take the game all that seriously.
Robin: They lose the drama.
Howard Stern: They don't need the money. They aren't playing for themselves. I'd like to see someone
who really needs a million dollars. Yes, you are playing for charity
David Duchovny: I agree.
Howard Stern: It ruins the game
David Duchovny: It's not my idea.
Howard Stern: Why are you playing then?
David Duchovny: For Charity
Howard Stern: I would like you to resign from the game
David Duchovny: Ok. You give me a million dollars to give to my charity.
Howard Stern: No, I'm not doing that. You've got to be crazy
David Duchovny: Then I'm going to go play
Howard Stern: Ok. Let's go to Tom. You are on with DD, his new movie is called RTM and it stars DD and
Minnie Driver and it opens this Friday. Tom: Dude, this morning, I saw David driving to your show. And
he was smoking a joint out the window of the limo.
Robin: oh, right!
Howard Stern: David, why do you smoke a joint before the show
Robin: I would at least keep the windows closed
Howard Stern: Do you not smoke weed? He's shaking his head. Why? Did you smoke weed when you
came here? And you can't sue this guy.
Tom: Come on, I saw you
Howard Stern: Is that true? Do you smoke weed? I've been known to smoke occassionally
David Duchovny: Good for you Howard
Robin: Did you smoke with JFK Jr.?
David Duchovny: No
Howard Stern: Did you smoke weed on the way over here?
David Duchovny: No
Howard Stern: Do you and Tea ever relax and smoke weed?
David Duchovny: Don't bring Tea into it
Howard Stern: I figure if you are doing it, she's doing it.
David Duchovny: I think ... we should take another call
Howard Stern: By the way, you have multiple lawsuits going.
David Duchovny: two
Howard Stern: Who else are you suing?
David Duchovny: FOX
Robin: Is that still going on? They haven't settled with you yet?
David Duchovny: No that could go on...
Howard Stern: You are mad because
David Duchovny: I'm mad?
Howard Stern: No, you're mad because they took the XFiles and they put them on FX
David Duchovny: That's not why I'm mad
Howard Stern: No, you're mad because they sold them for what you think is a lot less value
David Duchovny: To themselves
Howard Stern: To themselves
David Duchovny: yes, it's called vertical integration
Robin: And it cost you money
Howard Stern: And had they sold it to somebody else you would have gotten $25 million dollars
David Duchovny: Right because I own a piece of the show
Howard Stern: As it is, you got almost nothing. Believe me, I know, I have a show on FX
David Duchovny: How's that show going?
Howard Stern: It's going great. We just got picked up for 7 new episodes.
David Duchovny: Are you getting good ratings?
Howard Stern: Yes, we're getting good ratings. The best ratings ever
David Duchovny: Is it good?
Howard Stern: Have you seen it?
David Duchovny: No
Howard Stern: Well, why don't you take a look at it? I think you'll love it.
David Duchovny: Tell me when it's on
Robin: Why did you look at him and say "Is it realllllllly funny?"
Howard Stern: I don't do anything that isn't funny
David Duchovny: I'm asking
Howard Stern: Have you seen the reviews on this show?
David Duchovny: No
Howard Stern: Let me tell you, it's not easy for me to get a good review.
Robin: If Gary Shandling was involved, you would assume it was funny
Howard Stern: Yeah because he kisses Gary Shandling's ass. Gary never made a commercial success in
David Duchovny: Gary would be involved in the writing and the making...
Howard Stern: Oh, you just think I have my name on it
David Duchovny: I do.
Howard Stern: You are smoking weed
David Duchovny: What are you doing on the show? I'm not being insulting, I'm asking
Howard Stern: I am involved in every aspect
David Duchovny: really? Craft services?
Howard Stern: Margaret you are on the air. M: Hi. I remember seeing trailers for your movie. I remember
seeing a different name, something like Straight from the Heart, or something
Howard Stern: Why was the name of your movie changed?
David Duchovny: I don't think.. The script that we shot was called RTM, so I don't imagine that it was ever
called anything else.
Howard Stern: It concerns me that you have never been on the internet. You are a curious guy, you are
bright guy. Why would you ignore that aspect of society?
David Duchovny: Because when I ... if I was to go on Hilary's website... it's just...
Robin: There are other things out there besides DD stuff
Howard Stern: Not really. For a while, I would go onto the internet, and all I would see was Howard Stern
David Duchovny: Well...
Robin: You know I've never seen Howard Stern, or seen anything that has to do with you..
David Duchovny: Can I...
Howard Stern: Steve, you are on the air with DD, RTM. S: What' s the deal baby. I used to play against
DD in high school in basketball
David Duchovny: What's your name? S: My name is Steve, and I went to Petty
David Duchovny: Oh, yeah, how ya doing? S: I'm alright. We used to smash you.
David Duchovny: No you didn't. S: Yes, we did. Matter of fact, we came to your gym. Howard, the gym is
like on the 6th floor of their building
David Duchovny: that's true
Howard Stern: It's a.. you were a high school basketball player?
David Duchovny: Me?
Howard Stern: Yeah
David Duchovny: yeah
Howard Stern: I didn't know that S: They would play in our tournament and we would smash you
David Duchovny: No.. nope, you got your facts wrong. My brother.
Howard Stern: There you go.
Howard Stern: One last phone call for DD. And then we have to wrap it up. Mike, go ahead. M: You are a
Howard Stern: Why am I a pussy? M: Your wife is probably home getting banged by every man, while
you are doing nothing.
Robin: And what's that got to do with David
Howard Stern: Why does that make me a pussy? M: That's the problem man
Howard Stern: You know, you out to come down here so I can kick your ass. M: You don't want me to
come down there.
Howard Stern: Oh, I'll kick your ass, I'll beat your ass
David Duchovny: I'll help you beat his ass.
Howard Stern: Thank you. I don't need your help, but thank you. I'll beat his ass myself
David Duchovny: I'll hold him while you beat his ass M: I'll beat both your asses man, and the XFiles
David Duchovny: Oh, ouch, how can I go on.
Robin: What can we see of yours that is so incredibly good?
Howard Stern: What show have you done? M: I don't have to be on a show cause I'll be banging
Howard's wife. I'll tape it and show you.
Howard Stern: Alright. You send that to me, bastard. ...that hurt
David Duchovny: Howard's crying. Why expose yourself to that crap?
Howard Stern: I have to
David Duchovny: Why did that phone call come in? I'm sure there's 1000 others like it, but why...
Howard Stern: I randomly take calls. People say they want to speak to DD, I don't know what they want
to talk about
David Duchovny: there's no screening?
Howard Stern: No. If you did anyway, people would lie. What's the point.
David Duchovny: Now..I want to ask you a question
Howard Stern: Ok
David Duchovny: Does that in any way make you upset?
Howard Stern: No.
David Duchovny: It doesn't make you sweat a little?
Howard Stern: I like it
David Duchovny: No I don't
Howard Stern: I love humanity
Robin: we've had it for 20 years, David, if we haven't gotten used to it, we would have quit
Howard Stern: You know what I'm upset about, you banging Minnie Driver... Tea is such a beautiful
David Duchovny: Don't be upset because it didn't...
Robin: You being on WWTBAM
Howard Stern: That I'm upset about. I don't want them putting celebrities on WWTBAM
David Duchovny: I said no at first if that helps.
Howard Stern: Ok. Listen. You've answered every question. You've been very honest about everything. I
admire that. I'm going to go see your movie. In fact, I would go see your movie today if it was open.
David Duchovny: It will be open tomorrow.
Howard Stern: We'll go see it this weekend. Will my 13 daughter like it?
David Duchovny: She'll love it!
Howard Stern: She will?
David Duchovny: Yes.
Howard Stern: You admit that?
David Duchovny: I admit that. I wont guarantee that she'll get laid though.
Howard Stern: No. We don't want her getting laid. 13 year olds can't do that.
David Duchovny: I'll take that guarantee away in this case.
Robin: Do you have a daughter?
David Duchovny: Yeah, I do. She's going to be 1 year old on April 24th.
Robin: Then you'll have to .. uh.. watch her grow up..
David Duchovny: I'll have to watch her grow up ? (laughing)
Robin: And meet guys...
Howard Stern: will you let your 1 year old daughter see your penis?
David Duchovny: um... what?
Howard Stern: That will be an issue. This kids will ask to see your penis
David Duchovny: they will?
Howard Stern: Will you show them your penis?
David Duchovny: When did your kid ask to see your penis?
Howard Stern: All my girls always asked me to see the penis and I said no.
David Duchovny: How old were they when they asked?
Howard Stern: My 7 year old always says "let me see your penis". Because they are curious, they've
heard I have one and they want to see it.
David Duchovny: Well, that might be because you are on the radio talking about your penis all the time.
Howard Stern: No, they don't know that. The kids think I'm a Harvard Professor, they have no idea what I
David Duchovny: Ok. Well, I think I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Howard Stern: When they say, "Hey, Dad, we want to see what a penis looks like, will you show them?"
Robin: Or will show them a book... or something else....
David Duchovny: A book might be a good idea.
Howard Stern: A book of penises? What book is that, Hustler? So, you haven't thought that far ahead?
David Duchovny: No. It's the first time I've ever heard about it.
Howard Stern: It will come up
Robin: He'll get them a playgirl
Howard Stern: Girls, you want to say anything to David before I wrap it up
Hilary You can always talk to them in that little falsetto voice you have for it
David Duchovny: Oh, she's referring to something I did on Leno.
Howard Stern: well, girls anything you want to say to David? You want to profess your love for him. Go
David Duchovny: Yeah, because I have a limo waiting and another blundt. (all laughing)
Howard Stern: Anything you want, if you want to offer him fellatio.. what ever you want to do. Hilary No,
I don't want to do that. I just want to say I've enjoyed your work all these years on the XFiles
David Duchovny: Thank you
Robin: Are you all broken up that it might be the last year
Hilary Yes and No
Howard Stern: You don't look like you can handle it
Hilary I'll just write my own episodes
Howard Stern: You look a little unstable like you might go over the deep end.
Hilary No. After wrapping up the mytharc this year, I can't really see where they can take it after this.
They've done the Samantha thing, what's left
David Duchovny: Well, I've got one of the shows that I've written and directed coming up.
Howard Stern: I heard you were doing that again.
David Duchovny: Did you see my one last year?
Howard Stern: No, I didn't see it.
David Duchovny: Robin? Did you see it?
David Duchovny: Did you like it?
Robin: I liked it
David Duchovny: Just liked it?
Robin: I liked it alotTTTTT Ok!
David Duchovny: Oh, thanks.
Howard Stern: Tara do you want to say something to David.
Tara uh.. pretty much the same. I love your work, the acting and directing
David Duchovny: Do you want me to sign that?
Tara If you could David Duchovny: sure
Howard Stern: Alright. Would you like to see his penis? Would you girls like to?
Tara I'd like a hug if I could?
Howard Stern: A hug?
David Duchovny: Ok. I'll hug her.
Howard Stern: He'll do to you what he did to Minnie Driver. He'll take you to the movies.
Howard Stern: Now, I've learned a couple of things. That you write your own episodes
David Duchovny: And direct them.
Howard Stern: I don't believe R has seen your episode.
David Duchovny: She has.
Howard Stern: Did you really see it.
David Duchovny: Tell him about it.
Silence David Duchovny: Oh, wow, she didn't see it! (all laughing)
Robin: I didn't want to tell him that I hadn't seen it. D; Oh Robin. I'm gonna send you a tape
Robin: You know I love your work
David Duchovny: R, didn't you have some sort of thing with Chris Carter going on in LA?
Robin: Yes, yes I did.
David Duchovny: What happened?
Robin: I haven't been able to watch the show since then
David Duchovny: Will you tell me what happened?
Robin: Chris scared me. He really is Mulder. He's a spooky guy.
David Duchovny: You wont say what actually happened.
Robin: Ah...we ran in to each other. He was with some girls at the bar in the Four Seasons
David Duchovny: Now, when you say that "with some girls", he was...
Robin: I don't know how they all ended up together. It wasn't my idea!
David Duchovny: I believe they were publicists.
Robin: The girls called my room, and harassed me to come down and meet Chris. And I went to the bar
and said hello. And I was trying to talk to him. And they were kind of drunk, and they kept talking. And
then one of them started insulting me and saying that I was a bitch.
David Duchovny: There is something missing in this story
Robin: I'm telling you what happened
David Duchovny: it sounds like a miscommunication
Robin: I don't know. I was tired, we'd just gotten in from New York
Howard Stern: What did Chris do?
Robin: Chris just sat there. I finally figured, you know what, I've had enough. I'm going away. And he
followed me. Then I said, Ok. It's alright, no hard feelings. It's ok.
David Duchovny: Right
Robin: And the next day, I went to Big Sur. And I was at a place there and when I walked into my room
after checking in, my phone rang, and I picked it up and it was Chris Carter. And I thought, What are you
doing! Leave me alone
David Duchovny: He probably just wanted to make sure that you weren't upset.
Robin: Oh well, it was a little bit much OS: Didn't he call you recenlty?
Robin: Yes, he did. He calls once in a while, and that' s ok
David Duchovny: ok.
OS: HE called like 3 months ago, I remember taking the message.
Howard Stern: Obviously he's quite taken with you
David Duchovny: Well, you know if you have a miscommunication like I'm sure this was, with people in
your position, you get scared because you guys are here, and saying...
Howard Stern: Who knows...
Robin: Chris has no reason to be afraid. I told him it was fine. It was very bizarre to pick up the phone first
thing and find him on it.
David Duchovny: I understand.
Robin: And there was even a note waiting for me that morning when I came down to go to the airport
David Duchovny: This story is not resolved yet
Howard Stern: No, it's not
Howard Stern: Let's take one last one, go ahead Brian B: "Yes, David, who's stink is harder to wash off
your fingers? Uh... Gillian Anderson's or Minnie Drivers?"
Howard Stern: oh, come on. That's an outrageous question. Answer the question. No, I'm kidding. B:
Hey, David, have you ever tea-bagged Scully?
Robin: Oh Geez.
David Duchovny: Oh wow.
Howard Stern: It's time to end. That was Chris Carter by the way. (all laughing)
Howard Stern: Alright, David, we look forward to the new movie RTM. It's always great seeing you. Say
hello to your beautiful wife Tea.
David Duchovny: I'll bring her in here one of these times
Howard Stern: Please do! I would like to see her.
David Duchovny: You'd like her
Howard Stern: yeah, tell her to wear a short skirt and no panties
David Duchovny: No
Howard Stern: Why? What's the big deal? And say hello to Minnie Driver the next time you are at the
movies with her and Gary Shandling.
David Duchovny: She's been in here with you
Howard Stern: Yes, she has. Opens Friday. Looking forward to seeing the chemistry between the two of
David Duchovny: After you see it. And I know you're going to love it. I want you to talk about it next
Howard Stern: I will!
Robin: I will go see it! D; And you... you are getting a cassette in the mail. Then I'm going to call you and
harass you. (all laughing)
Howard Stern: Girls, thank you.
David Duchovny: Thanks, and Tara and Hilary, I'll sign that if you want.
Howard Stern: Thanks, David.
David on Kevin & Bean Morning Show
Archived April 5, 2000
Kevin and Bean: Let's Welcome Dave, Hello Dave!
David Duchovny: Hey, How ya doing?
K & B: Real good, how have you been?
DD: What are you guys saying about me?
K & B: We're saying that you're funny
DD: Hey, I try (all laughing)
K & B: And it's a good movie
DD: Isn't a good movie?
K & B: It really is
DD: Yeah, just don't describe it because then people will go "I don't want to see that movie". You've
just got to say get your ass in the theater.
K & B: Ok
DD: You'll have good time. And if boys don't think it's uh.. if they think it's a chic movie, I personally am
guaranteeing that they will get laid if they go see this movie (all laughing)
K & B: Very good. Now how are you backing up that guarantee, Dave?
DD: Personally, is all I'm saying (all laughing) And if it's not happening well, then they'll have to call
me up to get that guarantee.(all laughing)
K & B: We were all just talking about how excited we are that Bonnie Hunt is
DD: Bonnie Hunt is the funniest actress.. Bonnie and my wife are the funniest actresses in Hollywood
K & B: Nice save, Dave (laughing) Now Dave, you are a guy who works so much of the year at your
day job that I imagine that you have to uh.. it's got to be tough for you because there are so many
projects that come your way. I mean you have to select something
DD: Unlike Kevin.. it's Kevin isn't it? (Yeah, Kevin) I haven 't figured out a way to shoot the XFiles out
of my home (oh, that's Bean you're talking about) Oh, Bean, sorry, whichever one of you guys no longer
commutes. I'm like that. I'm talking to the writers . I'm saying have Mulder in a wheelchair, like the voice
on Charlie's Angels or Ironside or something like that where he's just this big brain working out of his
house (all laughing)
K & B: So, youre figuring stuff out without seeing anything
DD: Well, in that way we can go into year 25 and everyone will be happy My point is that you get
thrown a lot of projects and you have to be very particular because you don't get a chance to make 10
movies a year, like you could. I only get one. I'm a pitch hitter. I get one at bat a year, and you are either
a hero or a goat. You know, where someone else could go out there and strike out 3 times, and then hit a
home run and he's a hero.
K & B: But that's your future?
DD: That's it for the baseball metaphor everybody.
K & B: That's nice. With opening day and all. That's your future though, right. You're just going to do
DD: I'll be a pitch hitter. Movies are fun.. unlike Bean, who's tired of his job you can get tired of doing
the same thing over and over again. That's not to denigrate what you are doing. It's just that human
beings like change. As a movie actor, as an actor, you like to do different roles, you didn't necessarily
get into it to do the same role for 40 years in a row. So, yeah, you do want change. You want new
challenges and move along.
K & B: Sure. I understand that. You know we heard a story a couple of weeks ago where Dave it
sounded to us like you were saying "Wow, the X-Files really blows now". (all laughing)
DD: Yeah, well, you know.. sometimes I get in a bad mood and of course, that's the only time they print
K & B: Of course.
DD: If I get out there and say "The XFiles- The writing is great and the directing is great and everybody
is fantastic, nobody is going to print that. But if I say the XFiles really blows this year, it's a headline.
K & B: Yeah, well, it certainly worked (DJs laughing)
DD: I know. I know. And you know, I apologize to whoever got hurt by that. But all I mean to say is it's
the 7th year of the show.. and you deserve to blow a little bit (all laughing)
K & B: Yeah, you do. You've earned it (all laughing)
DD: You know what I mean, Bean
K & B: Hey, I'm familiar with the downward slide, Dave.
DD: Yeah, you are under house arrest apparently. Is something wrong?
K & B: Uh, no. It wasn't like that at all. We heard that right now, this week, you couldn't come down and
see us because you are directing an episode, you are doing another one for the show.
DD: Oh, they lied to you.
K & B: That's what they told us. David. Yeah, no, I'm just basically sitting at home. I just didn't feel like
K & B: You're just like that lazy ass Bean.
DD: (laughing) No. I'm in New York right now.
K & B: Oh, you are
DD: Yeah. And I'd come in and see you guys. I like coming in.
K & B: Well, you're welcome here.
DD: And I like when you work the premieres. You guys are good. And you send that kid over to ask
K & B: You know you are always so nice to Tad.
DD: Tad needs somebody to be nice to him.
K & B: Well, that's true.
DD: He's a sweet guy. And uh, why not be nice.
K & B: And he falls apart in front of you, and you are always nice to him. And we do appreciate that.
DD: Oh well. My pleaaaaaaaaaaasure.
K & B: Let me tell you, Tad has never lived down that interview from 5 years ago, and he was quaking
at the thought of having to go to your premiere the other day for Return to Me because he knew you
were going to be there. And he knew he was going to be face to face with you again, and he was just
DD: What happened 5 years ago that had him spooked?
K & B: Hey, do you have that interview--- I think you'll recognize the clip, I don't remember what the
DD: Can I hear it right now?
K & B: Yeah, we've got it for you.
------- old interview--------
Tad (old interview). Ok, now (giggle) do you believe in extras terrestrials [sic] beings out there?
DD: That's just the lamest question. My God, can't you think of anything better than that?
---------end of old interview-------
K & B: So, what happened Dave is that he was brand new-- DD: (laughing) I guess I haven't always
been nice to Tad
K & B: He was traumatized by some A-hole that's what happened. (all laughing) He was brand new to
the show back then and you were one of the very first celebrities he had to
DD: Did he ask me about Extras terrestrials?
K & B: Yes, he did as a matter of fact. Actually there was a follow-up question--
DD: would you like to go into outter space (giggling). uh, I dont know (giggling)
DD: I'm just sitting here hoping you get abducted. (all laughing)
------------- end of old interview -------------
DD: Hey, that was funny. I was funny. I was funny back then. What happened to me?
K & B: so, the other night he thinks, oh my God, K&B are going to want me to go and get Dave on tape
again, and I'm so embarassed that I have to face him. But you were very sweet to him. And we really do
DD: He's a good guy. I like the way he giggles at his own questions. (all laughing)
K & B: Well, no one else does.
DD: Hey, he's working out of his home.
K & B: Well, let me ask you this.. has the final, final decision about the fate of the season, or don't you
DD: Honestly? And you know that I would tell you the truth. I don't know.
K & B: You don't know.
DD: I have my terms that I would come back under. And it doesn't necessarily have to do with money, it
has a lot to do with time commitments.And I made those clear. I'm not the one holding up negotiations. I
am not in a negotation. I have my terms which will not move. So, that's where I am. It's really up to Fox.,
K & B: It seems to me though that they have to be getting to a critical point because they have to be
winding down the storyline.
DD: Yeah, Chris Carter is in a very awkward position right now because he's got to figure out how to
end the season, how's he going to end the show, how's he going to turn it into a movie franchise.
Obviously, he wants to know all these answers. And I can't give them to him. And, uh..we'll see what
happens, but uh
K & B: But you'd like to continue with the movies right? DD: Well, you know, I wouldn't mind. I think it
would be fun, it would kind of be like a high school reunion to do a movie every 5 years or so to come
back and do an XFiles movie and, you know, have really cool guest stars like they did on Batman (all
K & B: You know Frank Gorshon is still available (sp?)
DD: I love Frank Gorshon.
K & B: What is the drop dead date? When do they have to make a decision before they can make a
decision about what they are doing this year. DD: You know, I don't know that. I imagine I would love it
if they made a decision. Obviously, the fans would love it, too. Everybody would like to know, but we
have a crew of 200 some people who are employed by the show and they need to know if they have to
look for other jobs or not. They can all get other jobs, they are all talented and great, but they need to
know at some point. So, the show so.. such in a groove after 7 years that I imagine they could make a
decide a couple of weeks before the season began. I mean they could draw it out as long as they
wanted. But it would screw a lot of people.
K & B: Yeah. There's a lot of talk about Pauley Shore coming in to be the new Agent Mulder. Have you
DD: Yeah. Yeah, I have. And you know, I think it's a good idea. (all laughing). Agent Weasel. We have
Fox Mulder then we'd have Weasel Mulder (he could fit right into your shoes).
K & B: Yeah, it's your long lost brother. Dave, we also heard, now tell us if this is a possibility or not,
that your good friend Garry Shandling might do something.
DD: Well, you know that you had that misinformation about why I wasn't coming down to talk to you
guys? Because I was directing?
K & B: Right
DD: I finished directing this episode two weeks ago that I wrote. Garry Shandling and my wife, Téa
Leoni are both in it.
K & B: There ya go.
DD: They are playing it's a show about the making of a movie of an XFiles case and Garry and my
wife play Mulder and Scully in the movie. (DJs laughing).
K & B: Really. Awesome
DD: It airs on April 30th. It's called Hollywood AD And I'm cutting it right now, and it looks great.
K & B: Did you have fun doing the Cops episode?
DD: We did! For reasons nobody will understand. Because we shot on video and there was no
coverage. So, I was in and out of the set 8 hours a day, and I was like let's shoot every show like this.
(all laughing).. kind like what Bean is doing. Almost like coming to my house
K & B: Alright Dave. Return to Me is the name of the movie. It comes out Friday. And Dave
DD: Do me a favor and keep saying the name of the movie
K & B: Return to Me! Sure.
DD: Tell everyone to go.
K & B: Ok.
DD: And keep repeating my "you will get laid guarantee".
K & B: Ok. Dave Duchovny guarantees that you'll get laid.
DD: Now, Bean will not see it because he's not leaving the house.
K & B: Hey, I'm looking at it this way.. 6 months down the road, it's on pay per view and I'm set.
DD: You know what that's the kind of sh .(edited out)
K & B: Ah, new FCC regulations Dave, you can't use the S word now
DD: Really, you used to be able to? (All laughing)
K & B: Dave, great to talk to you. Come and see us anytime.
DD: I would love to.
K & B: Thank you. Bye.
DD: Thank you. Bye!
K & B: Now that was some funny stuff.
AOL Online Chat
Archived April 6, 2000
OnlineHost: Welcome to AOL Live David Duchovny!
DavidDLive: Thank you.
Question: What project or movie are you working on now?
DavidDLive: I'm just finishing the X-Files season. We're in the middle of episode
20 out of 22. I should be finished around May 9th. And I ahve nothing planned after that. But I'm
reading scripts and thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life.
Question: What is the best way for your fans to reach you? Do you have a
DavidDLive: Is it possible for me to have a website without knowing it?
I'm not aware of having a website... I don't control one, if that's the word
I guess at this point, the best way is to get in touch with FOX publicity through the
X-Files, at least up through May 9th.
Question: Are you and Tea going to be working together soon aside from the XF ep
DavidDLive: No plans to. But I'm a big fan of hers, and I would love to work with her
if we found something that we thought wa right./
Question: Did the movie make you think about your own relationships or make
you see them in a new light?
DavidDLive: Not really...I think watching the movie as an experience makes you treasure what you have
in the present in your friends and love ones that are near you now but the practice of acting or movie
making is much different than enjoying a movie by watching it. So rather thanmeditate the human
condition, I would just apply myself to individual scenes. The new movie is a weird genetic hybrid I
guess it could be an X-Files plot, about a guy who loses his wife very much in love with her and a
woman accross town who needs a heart and gets this man's dead wife's heart in a transplant and these
to meet a few years later and fall in love and it's not a big surprise...you know what happens as soon as
my character's wife dies. The joy and the saddness in this movie is watching this unfold. With allt he wit
and sharpness that Bonnie Hunt brings to her acting she brought to her directing and her writing and
it's really an ensemble piece and you really have great actors in like Carol O'Connor and Minnie Driver,
who is a great actress. And it's a movie that's very hard to describe because it's alternately a simple,
fairtail type movie, but also very real and extremely funny.
Question: You and Minnie have phenominal onscreen chemistry in this film (almost
as good as Gillian and yourself).. Was it easy to create, or did you guys have to work on it a bit?
DavidDLive: It was very easy for me to work with Minnie. Chemistry...whtever it is, is really the actor's
responsibility if it's called for...you're getting paid to create it. But between Minnie and I, it was very
easy and we just enjoyed each other's company and each other's acting...and there was a lot of trust. So
I got lucky with the chemistry thing.
Question: I saw Return to Me and absolutely loved it! What made you realize that
Question: this was a movie you should do?
Question: I saw Return to Me and absolutely loved it! What made you realize that
Question: this was a movie you should do?
DavidDLive: I'd known Bonnie since we did Beethoven in 1991, and when I heard she had written a
script she was going to direct I immediately wanted to take a look at it.
And I rad this very straight forward, sentimental type love story which I thought was a very pretty
script, and then I thought about Bonnie directing it, and Bonnie is someone who has a very funny and
sharp take on just about everything. And I thought if you combine the simpleness and the sweetness of
the story and the intelligence and sharpness of Bonnie that you'd have a really great movie. And an
original one. And that's exactly what it is. I was right for once.
Hey, David! I've seen the movie at the sneak peaks, and just loved it. It seemed like a throw-back to the
40s idea of a romance movie. I'm from Chicago, so I'd love to know - what was your favorite part about
filming there? Shell : )
DavidDLive: I'd never been to Chicago, and part of this movie I think is ctually like a love letter to
Chicago from Bonnie. She tried to share her love of the city with all of us who had never been there or
didn't know it. And that is some of my fondest memories of
making the movie, was being introduced to the city. I had a wonderful time there, and just regret that I
had never gone there before and spent a godd chunk of time there.
Question: David, what do you think about singer Bree Sharp's hysterical, and
highly reverent, tribute to you, "David Duchovny"? Best of luck with everything.
DavidDLive: I think it's funny. Maybe the lyrics could be rewritten. I didn't know I was so
Question: You have a really good sense of humor, has it been hard keeping it in
check for the most part doing the X-Files?
DavidDLive: Any part that you play exaggerates certain qualities and downplays
others. There's a lot I love in Mulder but playing any character for 7 years is going to be limiting no
matter who or what it is. So, I feel in touch with my sense of humor through Mulder most of the time.
There are jsut other things as well that I'd like to give free reign to through other characters.
Question: David, do you think you will ever get around to finishing your Master's degree?
DavidDLive: I doubt it mom. Glad to see you're using that computer I got you. I wish...there's just not
enough time in the dimension I'm living in.
Question: What does Tea think of your seemingly increasing "Hollywood hunk
DavidDLive: She just wants me to do the work that I enjoy. She's waiting for me to get old. She wants
me older. Which is very comforting to me. I'll be there soon.
Question: What do you like to do in your spare time?
DavidDLive: Hang out with my wife and child and dogs. Yoga. Read, write, but not 'rithmatic.
Question: Considering your interest in being a playwrite, do you have any intention on writing,
directing or starring in your own series or major motion picture? If so, any ideas on what you would
DavidDLive: I do have an interest in writing and directing that grows daily. I probably have less interest
in creating a series. Just because I've been involved in one for so long.
I know the pitfalls of that kind of repetition. I would think that within the next three or four years, I'll try
and write and direct, if not a "major" motion picture then some kind of "minor" motion picture. I have no
idea what that would be about. If you have any ideas let me know!
AOLiveMC20: The time has really slipped by, we have time for one final question:
Question: Do you feel that comedies are harder to do as opposed to dramas?
DavidDLive: I think there are many different factors that go into making one film harder or easier than
another. I think finding the tone of a movie or a performance is probably the most important thing
whether that's dramatic or comedic. And discovering the right tone or chosing the right tone is really the
hardest thing to do. And fullfilling that tone with the other actors and the directors, and trusting
everyone to be on the same page about that, so that you're all making the same movie in stead of
separate little movies together. But as far as the work there is no separate degree of difficulty between
comedy and drama, I don't think.
AOLiveMC20: Many thanks for being with us and taking our questions, David Duchovny.
DavidDLive: You're welcome and thanks for posing such intelligent questions. And enjoy the movie!
The Rosie O'Donnel Show
April 6, 2000
Watch the video or view the screen grabs.
[Julie's note: When Rosie gave the run-down of her guests for the day, she played a portion of
Bree Sharp's 'David Duchovny' while mentioning him]
Rosie: Our first guest, whose new movie Return To Me opens on Friday, you can catch him every
Sunday on The X-Files and if you have kids and a VCR, I'm sure you've seen him countless times,
as I have, in Beethoven. Take a look.
[clip from Beethoven -- David gets dragged across the lawn in a chair by the dog]
Rosie: They did all their own stunts. Please welcome David Duchovny!
[David takes Rosie's guest chair and tips it over backwards]
Rosie: You alright, honey? You okay? See, that's not good.
[David sits on the edge and mimes being dragged - takes a bow]
Rosie: We see that movie frequently at my house.
David: Can I leave it [the chair] like this?
Rosie: You can leave it like that.
David: I kind of like it.
Rosie: You like it, it's new, it's sortof bacheloresque. How are you?
David: I'm great. Thanks.
Rosie: Good to see you, I haven't see you since you've been a dad. Congratulations.
David: Yeah, thank you.
Rosie: And you're lovin' it, I'm sure.
David: She's gonna be a year old on April 24th.
Rosie: And what's she doing now? What's she into? Blue's Clues?
David: She's into this. [points randomly into audience, doing a very good impression of a baby
staring at things that capture her attention :-)]
Rosie: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. She doesn't even say 'What's that?' she just points.
David: Her whole life is just, Tree, Mirror, Book, Dog. Anything she points at you say.
Rosie: And Da-da.
David: She doesn't point at me. She just wakes up, first thing she does in the morning is [points]
David: Yeah. She just wants to communicate, you know, but she's not talking yet. So it's
beautiful to see her just want to get involved in some kind of a dialogue, even though she doesn't
have the words.
Rosie: And how's Tea? Good?
David: She's great. A great mom.
Rosie: Loving it.
David: Yeah, loves it.
Rosie: Yeah, I'm so happy for you both.
David: Thank you.
Rosie: You seem like a good match.
David: Thank you.
Rosie: Not that I'd know.
David: You know Tea.
Rosie: I know Tea, but --
David: And you know me a little bit.
Rosie: Well yeah, but we've never been out to dinner.
David: Well, I don't think that eating with me would, uh,
Rosie: Would help.
David: It'd probably scare you a little bit.
Rosie: You think it would?
David: It might.
Rosie: What kind of - do you eat a lot?
David: No, I don't eat a lot, but you know, you just want to keep your fingers away from my
mouth when I --
Rosie: Oh, okay. Understood. Speaking of fingers, Fast Finger, tomorrow's the day.
Rosie: Thank you. Tomorrow's the day David Duchovny and I are taping Celebrity Millionaire!
Rosie: Are you nervous?
David: Well, I, I -- you know, we are playing Fast Finger but it doesn't matter. Because we're all
going to get on anyway.
David: Which is nice because they were telling me we were going to have to play Fast Finger
and I said "I'm backing out."
Rosie: See? That's what I felt.
David: Why do we have to play Fast Finger when we're already on?
Rosie: Exactly. That's what I think. I'm not good at the Fast Finger, are you?
David: I don't like the Fast Finger.
Rosie: But are you good at it?
David: Uh, at home. But everybody's good at home.
Rosie: No, I'm not even good at it at home.
David: Well, you see, I don't have a stopwatch at home, so I don't know if I could beat those
Rosie: You don't have a stopwatch at home? I've been doing that since April, are you kidding?
[realizes] We're in April. That wasn't funny. I could've said since January, it would've been a joke.
David: Four days.
Rosie: But, um, the thing is, people are worried they're going to look like an idiot. Are you worried
Rosie: You are.
David: Yes. But I think what offsets that is the chance to win that much money for charity -- I
mean, it's a hell of a lot of money.
David: So it's not like Celebrity Jeopardy where they give you, what, $10,000 for charity? I mean,
a *million dollars*.
Rosie: But on Celebrity Jeopardy you won, didn't you.
David: No, no, I didn't win. I made it to the last step, I made it to Final Jeopardy, and I was really,
I was embarrassing everybody else out there.
Rosie: You were. But Stephen King was like left in the dust.
David: Stephen King was thinking of quitting writing altogether.
Rosie: Really? No kidding.
David: Well, he was feeling -- an *actor* was making him feel -- but then I lost everything in Final
Rosie: What was the Final Jeopardy question?
David: Um, it was something really easy, and it was actually about literature which I should
know, and you know how on Jeopardy where there are different roads that your brain will go down,
and if you go down the wrong road, you're never coming back.
David: So I went down one road and it was the road to hell.
Rosie: And you lost the whole -- was it close? It wasn't even close, was it.
David: Well, the good thing about Celebrity Jeopardy is that, I don't know if people know it, but
you should bet everything because you get a minimum anyway. You get $10,000 for your charity
anyway, so you might as well try and win as much as you can, because you're going to get ten
grand anyway. It's rigged.
Rosie: So you bet it all.
David: Of course I bet it all.
Rosie: And are you going to be going all the way to a million for this?
David: Well, no, I think once you get up to two hundred grand or what -- what are the
Rosie: 125, 250, 500, a million.
David: I think -- [to audience] She's been workin' at it.
Rosie: I've been watching. I'm addicted.
David: But, you know, that's a lot of money, and I don't think there's a safety net there. So I'll
have to think about it.
Rosie: I think they're guaranteeing us $32,000 to the charity.
David: Yeah, but that's $32,000 and $250,000. That's a big difference.
Rosie: A big difference. What's your charity?
David: It's a school that these two guys that I went to high school with have started here in New
York, it's called Exodus House. It's a grade school and they're just great guys and I'm just so
happy to be able to get in touch with them again and do it.
Rosie: Well, good, that's going to be fun.
Rosie: I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight because I'll be so excited.
David: Well, that's good, because then you'll be tired.
David: You know, my mom used to say whenever I had a big test...
David: You don't want to make this personal.
Rosie: No, I don't, no, no. This is for charity.
David: We're not playing against each other.
Rosie: Well, in the Fast Finger we are.
David: Yeah, but that doesn't matter.
Rosie: It doesn't matter but I still would like to win. Anyway,
David: Can you see this? [starts tapping on Rosie's desk like for Fast Finger]
Rosie: Are you doing two hands or one?
David: Well, I have some stretches that I'm going to be doing beforehand.
Rosie: Yeah, but are you going to be doing it with two hands?
David: I don't feel I should tell you.
Rosie: Really? Have you noticed some people use thumbs? Have you noticed that?
[David shakes his head]
Rosie: What is that about, thumb, thumb, thumb, thumb? It's not Nintendo.
David: They think it's Jeopardy. [mimes pushing button for Jeopardy]
Rosie: I'm thinkin' pointers. Boom boom boom boom! That's what I'm thinking.
David: I think you should go with one finger.
Rosie: You think I should go with one finger?
Rosie: Of course, you're trying to psych me out. There's no way I'm doing one finger! There's no
way! What's your worst category?
David: You should eat fish beforehand. My mom says it's brain food.
David: Yeah, have some fish.
Rosie: Alright, good to know.
[David turns to audience and makes negative gestures and expressions]
David: Have a big meal, it'll help you... a really big meal beforehand. And maybe a drink or two.
Rosie: Okay, that's good, just to loosen me up for TV. Um, what is the category you're most
David: All of them, pretty much.
Rosie: All of them?
David: Yeah, I mean, it's just -- how can you prepare for this? All that trivia.
David: So, uh, I don't know, I'm not good with geography --
Rosie: Same with me. Geography -- that's my worst. [swings hand out, it glances against David's
David: Watch that finger.
Rosie: Sorry. [laughs] Yeah, I'm going to be using that.
David: Do the Fast Finger on my arm. Ready? [leans over, Rosie plays Fast Finger on his bicep]
Rosie: That's good, right?
David: Yeah, very good. Now if they were only correct, you'd be in good shape.
Rosie: Yeah, well, if they do anything like east to west, I'm not even going to look, I'm going to
[punches fingers randomly on her desk] because I don't know east to west.
David: East to west? I like those.
Rosie: You like those? Put these countries in South America in order from north to south? I
couldn't name four countries in South America. Geography I'm dead in the water.
David: Stop bragging.
Rosie: All right. David has a new movie that is written and directed by Bonnie Hunt who was on
here yesterday, this is a great, great movie.
David: Isn't it?
Rosie: I saw it last night.
David: Didn't she do a great job?
Rosie: She did a great job. I really loved it. We're gonna show a clip and we're going to talk about
it with David after this break so don't go away.
Rosie: We're back with David Duchovny who is *not* returning next year to The X-Files, true?
David: I don't know, I don't know.
David: I may, I may not. I have terms, FOX knows them, the ball's in their court, as they say.
Rosie: Right. Well, either way --
David: It'd be a good question on Millionaire.
Rosie: It would!
David: Is David Duchovny returning?
Rosie: There's no answer.
David: Yeah. 'D'.
Rosie: None of the above.
Rosie: There you go. But, um, personally, I hope that you do, but if it doesn't work out then you'll
just go on and do more movies.
David: Well, yeah, I feel very positive both ways. Coming back would be nice and moving on
would be nice.
Rosie: Cause it's a lot of work. People don't realize, an hour series...
David: Well, it's not so much the amount of work, it's really the time commitment, doing that for
10 months and not being able to do a movie like Return To Me, having to turn things down
because of my time commitment.
Rosie: What a great film this is. Bonnie Hunt, it's the first film that she directed, tell everybody
what you play.
David: I play a guy named Bob Rueland, who loses his wife in the first five minutes of the film. It's
Rosie: Not loses in the mall, loses as in [mimes slitting throat] bye-bye.
David: She dies in the first seven minutes, I'd say. It's hysterically funny. It's actually... it really is
an odd movie in that people will weep and laugh throughout the whole movie and I've never had an
experience like that -- intentionally -- in a movie.
David: So all I can tell you is that it's really a special film and I know a lot of people come out
here and say that, but Bonnie has been able to make a really emotional film that's really
hysterically funny all the way through, and -
[someone in the audience shrieks]
David: Yeah, you see?
Rosie: Did you see it? [to audience]
David: No, she's got an X-Files magazine.
Rosie: Oh, an X-Files magazine, okay. Yeah, but I saw it last night and I thought it was great. I
David: If you see it with an audience, it's really amazing, to see everybody crying and laughing,
and it's a movie that actually you're a little upset when it ends, because you like the world that
Rosie: Exactly. It's like your friends are leaving. Do you know what clip we have?
David: Um, I forgot... I'll know afterwards.
Rosie: Oh, alright, well this is a clip from the movie...
[crew member calls out]
Rosie: What? This is when he meets Minnie for the first time.
David: This is where --
Rosie: Okay, this is --
[they both try to set up the clip]
David: Go ahead.
Rosie: No, it's your movie, you set it up.
[continue to 'argue' :-)]
Rosie: You do it, I'll practice this [begins to play Fast Finger on her desk]
David: So Minnie is in need of a heart, actually, when the movie begins...
[looks over at Rosie]
David: See, now nobody's listening to me --
Rosie: Oh, sorry. So she's in need of a heart transplant.
David: And she actually gets my wife's heart, and then we meet, and there's some kind of
connection there, and we find out later what that connection is, but this is where we first meet,
Rosie: Yeah. Take a look at Return To Me, which opens tomorrow, all over.
[RTM clip - Bob and Grace meet when Bob goes back to the restaurant to pick up his phone]
Rosie: It's very very endearing. I really liked it a lot.
Rosie: Are you doing a lot of press, you going everywhere? [Julie's note: is he EVER!]
David: Yeah, well, the nice thing is, as I'm sure you know, when you have a project that you're
excited about it's painstaking to go everywhere and try to do press, but when you believe in it,
when you love it, you want to give the movie every chance you can to be successful.
Rosie: I think it will, I think it's a great, great movie and guys and girls both, I think...
David: Well, there's nothing else like it, I don't think, it's not like a cookie-cutter romantic
comedy. It's a little weird. A little weird.
Rosie: Weird - your fans like that, little black things... [mimes an oilien coming out of her nose]
[David laughs a little reluctantly]
David: You're gonna hurt your finger.
Rosie: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
David: You want to keep that finger... maybe you'll want to wear gloves or something.
Rosie: You think so? Alright, now...
David: You see that? Look... [points at Rosie's right pointer finger]
Rosie: That's tape. It's not my skin, don't worry, it's tape. I fiddle when I talk. I'm practicing.
Rosie: Want me to bring you a snack or anything tomorrow? You need anything? Because you
don't live here, I live here, do you need anything?
David: I don't trust you.
Rosie: Oh, okay, alright.
Rosie: I was just going to bring you a little pastrami or something.
David: No, it's not brain food.
Rosie: It's not brain food.
David: No. Bring me a big fish. A big fish would be nice.
Rosie: Alright. And you know, even though we're taping it tomorrow, we're not allowed to talk
about it, they told me, until it airs in May.
David: Is that right?
David: In *May*?
Rosie: In May, it airs. We're not allowed to talk about it.
David: I thought it aired in April.
Rosie: It airs in May.
Rosie: May 1, 2, 3.
David: Well, no, if I win I'm gloating...
Rosie: Well, good to know -- frankly, if I win it's all you're gonna hear about.
David: I know.
Rosie: I know, I mean, it's a lot of money, how could you not.
David: I won a million. I lost a million. I won two hundred. I'm stickin' at two hundred.
Rosie: It's not two hundred. It's two-fifty.
David: I'm a big fan.
Rosie: 32, 64, 125, 250, 500, a million.
Rosie: That's how it goes.
David: David Duchovny, why won't you love me? Go see his movie, you'll enjoy it.